Okay, so your child/husband/wife/companion, etc. leaves for the day and you discover a number of things that were supposed to be done, but weren’t (taking out the garbage, making the bed, etc.).  You’re probably annoyed.  Make that really annoyed.  Especially if it happens frequently (and given the poor memory, distractibility, avoidance tendencies and lateness problems that many people with ADHD are prone to, it probably does happen with irritating frequency).

Later that day:  He or she walks in the door… you’re poised to complain (attack!).  Justifiable, probably.   Smart, no.  It’s tough, but refrain from complaining the second he/she returns home.  Make the arrival positive – for both of you.  Reinforce that you’re actually pleased to see the person (hate the sin, love the sinner).  You have every right to say how you feel about the missed chores, but save it for later (and then say it from your point of view, without attacking the offender – “When you [fill in the blanks], I feel that….”

Remind yourself that If a person believes they’ll be criticized every time they step foot in the door, they’ll soon dread returning home.

Written by:  Susan K. Lasky

The ADD Resource Center   adhd@mail.com   646/205.8080

Related posts:

1. Tips to Get Up and Out of Bed – On Time!
2. Extended time improves reading comprehension test scores for adolescents with ADHD
3. It’s Almost Tax Time – Getting Your Financial Records in Order.

Written by Susan Lasky and Harold Meyer
You fell in love with his boyish enthusiasm, adventuresome spirit and easy-going charm.  Now you are frustrated that he decides to go skiing instead of shoveling the snow off the walkway, or forgets to take the children to the dentist.
You were fascinated by her many interests, creativity and “enjoy the moment” approach to life.  Now you are fed up with the clutter of her incomplete projects, and annoyed by her indifference to planning meals and shopping.
It is easier to love someone with ADHD than it is to live with them.

Equal Partners or Parent/Child?

You began your relationship as lovers, partners and equals.  But, over time, if the non-ADHD partner feels the ADHD partner fails to carry their fair share of daily responsibility, the balance shifts.  The non-ADHD partner may become frustrated, disappointed, angry or detached.   It is ironic that those character traits that initially attracted you are often those that create the most conflict as a relationship matures.
The non-ADHD partner may turn into an Enabler or a Nag, shifting the relationship from equal partners to one that more closely resembles that of a Parent-Child.   It is not unusual to hear the spouse of a person with ADHD saying that their first child is really their second child (their ADHD wife or husband being their first child). When this occurs, resentment builds and the relationship suffers.
The Enabler tries to keep the peace by making excuses and allowances for their ADHD partner’s failures and omissions.  When something isn’t done, they’ll either do it themselves or live without it.  They treat their spouse with the martyred indulgence of a parent with a wayward child.  The person with ADHD might, on one level, like it when their mate does an inordinate amount of things for them (the parent taking care of the child).  Although, on another level, they will often resent or feel guilty about being treated like a child.
The Nag will keep reminding their partner that they aren’t living up to expectations – to the point where the ‘wayward’ spouse will begin doing anything possible to avoid confrontation, including avoiding contact or being dishonest.  This is a pattern often seen with parents and teens.  It also destroys intimacy. The person with ADHD is probably a master at rationalizing and may not even realize the toll this is taking on the relationship.
Keep Partnership Alive:  Communicate
So how do you keep the romance alive? Whether you are the ADHD or non-ADHD partner, begin by recognizing that there are problems… and solutions.  However, successful problem-solving must be both creative and a joint effort.  Approach it from a fresh perspective; let go of the negativity, remember the love you started with, and begin with a fresh slate of possibility.  If you can’t, either bring in a third party  or start separation proceedings.

Begin your commitment to change with an honest discussion, not a finger-pointing diatribe.  Let go of trying to look good.  This is about fixing those problems that are damaging your relationship.  It is not about ‘fixing’ the other person.  Make sure that your partner is on board with the idea of jointly looking at ways to improve your relationship.  Be clear about the things that aren’t working for you, and why.  Some issues are minor, but can get blown out of perspective.  Ask yourself what is truly important.  Realize that the health of your relationship may hang on these issues.
Don’t try to deal with all of your concerns in one sitting.  Pick one or two areas to focus on, in advance of the discussion.  Timing is important.

Don’t do it when either of you are under time pressure, or after an argument, or when you are ready to pull your hair out… or your spouse’s.  Choose a safe location, which is best done away from home.  (Sometimes, just taking a walk together opens up communication between you.)
If you think you will have trouble finding the right words, role play and practice out loud.  (Many people are weak at bringing internal thought to the forefront and, though they might silently prepare what they want to say, when it comes time to retrieve those words it comes out all wrong.)

Avoid accusation and resist being defensive.  Tell your partner how his or her words and actions (or inaction) makes you feel, but try to see things from the other’s perspective.  Listen more than you speak.  If you are the ADHD partner, self-advocate.  Be clear about how ADHD affects you, but remember that it is an explanation, not an excuse.  Highlight your strengths, be honest about your challenges, and be open to ideas.  Work towards possibility and new actions and avoid harping on past failures, disappointments or guilt.   Because things have not worked doesn’t mean they can’t change.
Focus On Strengths
Accept the current reality, even if you don’t like it.  Most people with ADHD tend to have difficulty completing tasks they find difficult or boring.  They forget things when preoccupied, have problems with time commitments and are frequently organizationally-challenged.   Their priorities are often determined by interest, rather than necessity.  When the pressure gets too great, instead of getting going on things they should do, they may just go, or become overwhelmed and less productive.  These are not qualities that work well in a relationship, where another person has to share the consequences.
It makes sense for partners to play to their strengths.  Consider how to best use your talents, rather than divide work by category or by a perceived notion of what a man’s or woman’s role is in within a relationship.  The non-ADHD spouse might agree to take on the bill paying and balance the checkbook, but in return she may ask the ADHD partner to be responsible for mowing the lawn, which would allow him to be outside and move around.  An apparently reasonable sharing of responsibilities.
However, it would be a mistake to assume that a logical division of responsibilities will work.  So instead of proceeding as if it will happen just because it makes sense, then being disappointed when it doesn’t, be open and honest when you agree to something. Does the ADHD partner really buy-in to taking over lawn care, or is he just saying yes to keep the peace?  How will he schedule lawn care into his week?  How does he want to be reminded if he forgets? His intentions may be there but that doesn’t mean performance will follow. It is a good idea to anticipate and discuss possible stumbling blocks in advance, with the attitude of wanting things to work, instead of in anger or accusation, when they don’t.
When you divide chores, be specific.  What does “keep the bathroom in order” mean?  Very little to most people, and even less to the person with ADHD.  Clarify tasks, expectations and frequency.  Check that you are in agreement.  Put it in writing.  Not as a way to point the finger, but as a clarification tool.  That way no one has to rely on memory.   Keep in mind you are looking to share chores, but not necessarily do things equally.  Don’t balance who does what on a scale.  Consider some horse trading:  “I’ll do the dishes; can you make the bed?”
Have a Plan B
What do you do when one partner isn’t getting what they need from the other?   What if one person’s stuff is all over the place and their mate is uncomfortable living with the chaos?  The neat spouse can constantly pick up after their partner (The Enabler).  Or they can constantly complain (The Nag).   Or, they can avoid the Parent-Child role by accepting their partner’s challenges (which existed when the couple fell in love, but weren’t enough to keep them apart), yet still get what they need.  How?  With ‘Plan B,’ which is where, when understanding and a logical division of responsibilities don’t work , the couple removes themselves from the conflict and calls in an expert who can make things work.   There’s a book by Kathy Fitzgerald Sherman called, “A Housekeeper is Cheaper Than a Divorce.”  That may apply to your situation.  Or perhaps it is worth trading off a restaurant dinner to hire a lawn service.  (Although it is critical to schedule some fun, couples-only time out, to keep romance alive.)
Perhaps the underlying problems relate more to a lack of time management or organizational skills, or an inability to prioritize or communicate effectively.  Working with an ADHD Coach or a Professional Organizer can provide compensatory strategies and accountability, while leaving the spouse or partner out of it.  And consider a therapist or marriage counselor if the conflicts or negative behaviors have so eroded your relationship that you are having a hard time remembering why you fell in love.
Let go of the “Shoulds” (I/he/she/we ‘should’ be able to do something ourselves, rather than pay someone else).  “Shoulds” and “Have-Tos” rarely work.  The only feelings they inspire are those of guilt and often, “But I Don’t Want To.” Instead, focus on the “Coulds” and “Want-Tos.”  People with ADHD usually know what they ‘should’ do.  The problem is with the doing.  Change the motivation to something they “Want To” do, and the behavior often follows.  Consider your reaction to “I have to water the plants” versus “I love seeing these plants and want them to be healthy.”  It is a question of taking ownership, which makes follow-through so much easier!
You want a happy, healthy and loving relationship.  Remember that your original attraction wasn’t based on who would do the cooking, cleaning, bill paying, laundry, lawnwork, etc.  So look towards what you can do to regain the feelings that originally brought you together. When asked how she maintains a happy marriage after 30 years with a very ADHD husband, his wife replied that, when need be, she just reminds herself that their relationship is more important than whether or not her husband forgets to take out the garbage.  She knows what is important to her, and her priorities follow.

Susan Lasky and Harold Meyer, The ADD Resource Center       addrc@mail.com

For additional information on ADHD, relationships, coaching, organizational and time management skills: http://addrc.org

No related posts.

Presented by Kate Kelly

When ADD is a third party in your love life, it can create chaos. Often, in the day to day struggle to manage life with ADD, the love that brought a couple together gets buried under the messes and piles, not to mention all those fires that continually need putting out. This presentation will focus on ways to heal intimate relationships by putting the love at the top of the list.

One of the most important ingredients for a successful ADD relationship is for both people to embrace the fact that they have it, even if only one of them has the diagnosis. Nobody asked to have this challenge and everyone is affected by it. Developing compassion for each other is the key that can unlock the potential in your partnership.

Some of the strategies to be covered are

1. Systems for remembering to take time for love,
2. Using the power of visualization to reconnect with that person you fell in love with,
3. Ways to break old unhealthy patterns,
4. Putting on the brakes through meditation, and
5. Finding ways to forgive

Related posts:

1. Put Your Anger on Time-Delay

Dads: Give Your Son a Break

BY HAROLD MEYER AND SUSAN LASKY  http://addrc.org

Dads with ADHD often have stormy relationships with their  teenage sons. Some feel guilty about passing the condition on to their child; oth­ers find it painful to watch him struggle with the same problems they had as a teen. Here are some strategies to resolve conflicts with your ADD son, and be his role model.
>    Be aware. Accept the fact that you are angry, frustrated, and fearful. So is your teen—although his bravado may hide it. You can’t help your child through tough times if you can’t control your emotions. If you can’t, seek the help of a doctor or therapist.
>    Be honest and positive. Admit to your son that having ADHD is not easy, that it takes a lot of effort to stay on track. Tell him about some of the challenges you have faced, and the ways you have succeeded. Use humor to deflect anxiety. Always reinforce your son’s strengths.
>    Practice healthy confrontation. If you are about to lose your temper, use these techniques:

1) Avoid accusation—focus on solu­tions to the problem and teach your teen to find alternatives that work.
2) Focus on the behavior—make it clear that your son is not the sum of his behaviors, and that he, within reason, can control them.
3) If you or your son starts to shout, break the pattern by speaking softly.

> Stick to your word. It isn’t easy for people with ADHD to remain disciplined enough to mete out consequences. Make this a priority. If you told your son he must be home by 10 or he will lose his car privileges, and he comes home at 11, don’t get angry. Take away his car privileges. This may be inconvenient—you may have to drive him to his tutoring ses­sions—but do it anyway. If you don’t, your son will miss out on learning to equate his actions with consequences and on seeing that a person with ADHD can demonstrate responsible behavior.

> Avoid the guilt trap. You may have chal­lenges like those of your son, but he is his own person. ADD is an explanation of behav­iors, not an excuse for them. Your own fail­ures don’t mean you shouldn’t have reason­able expectations for him.

HUMOR HIM A LITTLE
Parents who have a sense of humor during tense, stressful situations may make their teen feel more accepted, less anxious, and better able to regulate his emotions, say researchers.

> Accept your imperfections. It is difficult enough to deal with your own ADHD, let alone your teen’s. Don’t let the perception that you’ve failed as a parent, because of your son’s challenges, affect your interactions with him. You are a role model for your son, imperfections and all.

HAROLD MEYER and SUSAN LASKY are senior certified ADHD coaches with
The ADD Resource Center (http://addrc.org)

Related posts:

1. Fathers and Sons with AD/HD
2. 6 Ways to Combat Procrastination
3. ADHD And Teens

Written by Harold Robert Meyer and Susan Karyn Lasky

Most prospective parents decree that, when they do have children, they will be “perfect” parents. They vow never to lose patience or raise their voice in anger (unlike their own parents). Fathers envision their role as being available, supportive and able to guide their children with the calmness of Ozzie (from the Ozzie and Harriet TV show), the wisdom of Robert Young (from Father Knows Best), and the supportive humor of Bill Cosby’s Dr. Huxtable.

Then the time of delivery grows closer, and your view of parenting become more complex. Perhaps you and your wife have different attitudes about certain aspect of child-rearing. You speak with friends and relatives, and somehow the TV fathers seem less real. You begin to wonder what the “successful Dad” recipe really entails. Some fathers advocate a gentle and understanding approach, while others insist the secret of success is discipline and tough-love. Your in-laws might offer their own loving, yet completely contradictory, views on “How to Raise the Perfect Child.” But the one thing everyone seems to have in common is that they all feel qualified, even obligated, to help you raise your child.

So you read books on parenting and listen to the sage advice of parenting experts when they are interviewed by talk-show hosts. You confer with your spouse and agree that you are both nervous, but ready, willing and able to be model parents… or so you think.

Then you have your child. No one could prepare you for the sleepless nights and the heart-wrenching sound of a crying baby—especially one who always needs to be held or rocked. As your baby becomes a toddler, and then a preschooler, you wonder why he needs to be watched every moment, while other children sit quietly and play nicely. You delight in his charisma, but grow concerned that he rarely listens to his babysitters, teachers—or parents. He seems to attract trouble, and constantly demands attention, without concern as to whether it is for good reasons or bad ones.

You begin to question your parenting ability. What went wrong with your master parenting plan? Your son is a reflection of you, and you don’t want him to tarnish your image with his behaviors. You resent that other parents (whose children lack your son’s personality) might think your parenting ability is inadequate. You thought you were “doing it right,” but whatever it is, never seems like enough.

So you resort to blame. If you had it right (and you believe you did), then others must have sabotaged your efforts. You criticize those people (mom, the teachers, etc.) who spend more time with your son than you do. You argue with your wife over parenting styles: “You give him too much (leeway, understanding)… you don’t give him enough!” Romantic nights out (if a night away from your child even happens) become heated discussions about your son and what the other parent should be doing differently. What happened to the love and good times the two of you shared before “junior” was born?

You may also go through the denial stage, wondering whether things have just gotten out of hand and there is really nothing wrong with your child. Aren’t your own perfect genes enough to assure success? After all, he is “a chip off the old block,” and you turned out OK. Just because the school is constantly calling doesn’t mean it is all his fault. Why buy into the idea that your son is problematic – maybe his teachers are inept? And what is wrong with being a bit active and independent? Weren’t you at his age? Part of you is proud that he stands out from the crowd.

Unfortunately, turning a blind eye towards the situation doesn’t last long. You walk in the door and, before your coat is even off, the first thing you hear is another complaint, reminding you that your son is not the angel you would like him to be. In self-preservation you determine that it isn’t your fault; it’s your wife’s fault… The school’s fault… Or your child’s fault—he should know better. He just has to try harder. This was not your idea of what marriage and a child was all about. Your life has changed, and you feel it is no longer under your control.

These are not creative scenarios, but typical ones that we see when we coach adults at the A.D.D. Resource Center in New York City or, by phone, all over the country.

What often happens is that the Dad feels bombarded from all sides. Mom, child, school, grandparents, maybe even the neighbors. At first he is in denial. Then comes anger, frustration and blame. Hurt and sadness. A debilitating sense that life is not what he wants for himself, for his wife, and most especially, for his son. He created this child—what did he do wrong? If he, or his wife or relatives have similar issues to those of his son, then who is really to blame? Dad’s rational mind knows that his son’s AD/HD is a neurobiological problem. But that is irrelevant when his son’s behaviors trigger reactions he cannot easily control. And it is worse when, having AD/HD himself, he relives the challenges of his childhood and feels the guilt.

How can he reconcile his commitment to being a more nurturing parent than his own Dad was, when he sees himself reacting to his son’s behaviors in much the same manner as his father treated him? He knows he is taking his own anger and frustration out on his child—the very one he cares so much about and longs to see happy and successful. The son he cherishes and loves. This conflict produces sadness and even more anger (towards both his child and himself), mingled with fear—what will his son’s future be like? What is the real impact of this “loss of the perfect child” (and also the loss of his preconceived self-image as the perfect parent)? How will he now experience the life he had planned to share, in joy, with his wife and child?

We often coach Dads who did not plan to be overly hard on their sons, but get to a point where they cannot put the brakes on their reactions. They are often excessively critical and demanding, escalating arguments instead of resolving issues. When the Dad has AD/HD, his impulsivity and emotional lability can easily overtake his reason. Only after the situation is over, and the father and son disengage, does he realize what he has done. For many men, apologizing for an overreaction, or discussing what happened in a calm manner, is difficult. It is contrary to the macho way they have been brought up, and perceived as a sign of weakness. But remember, this is a child—your child. You are not in a business situation or arm wrestling at a bar. Child rearing goals are far different than winning at work or in a competitive sport. The only ‘win’ is the one that has a positive impact on both your lives.

Many times Dad is the “enforcer” and Mom is the “appeaser.” And the sad thing is that it works. Research has shown that the male voice, volume and tonality can often work better than the female’s in controlling behavior in children. So if it seems to work, it becomes easier to yell and threaten. And if a little bit works, why not try a lot? When the Dad has AD/HD, the confrontation, on one level, satiates his AD/HD need for excitement, as it often does in the child. So a relatively minor infraction may result in a major confrontation. This is a damaging cycle, wherein even small things get out of hand, with the son and father playing off of each other’s increasingly irrational behaviors. The negative excitement generated by this escalated confrontation does little to resolve the original issue.

It is often said, that those behaviors that most bother us in others, are the negative traits we see in ourselves—even if we do not consciously recognize them. How true. Many of the character traits and behaviors that are frequently found in people with AD/HD, whether you acknowledge them in yourself or not, become particularly abhorrent to the Dad when he “sees” them in his son. For many, this clouds his ability to effectively address the issues in a clear, mature and loving manner.

There is hope. Behaviors can be changed, once you become conscious of what you are doing, and have developed compensatory strategies to replace gut reactions. Here are some strategies we have found particularly effective for our coaching clients:

• Be aware. The first step towards change is to acknowledge the reality of your situation. Accept that you are angry, frustrated, fearful. Accept that so is your child (although his bravado may cover it up). You cannot help your child if you cannot deal with your own emotions. If you feel as though you are out of control, seek the help of a doctor, therapist or anger management specialist.
• Be prepared. Situations do not arise in a vacuum. You have enough understanding of the challenges of AD/HD to realize that there will be ongoing behavioral and attitudinal problems. Give thought – in advance – as to how you will handle various types of transgressions. Some examples:
  • If you have a younger child and are going to a restaurant or other public place, make sure you bring playthings that are suitable for the environment, and will keep your child busy. Bring a sufficient variety of items to satisfy his potentially short attention span, instead of getting angry when he acts out due to boredom.
  • If you are going to a party or play date, set a departure time that is “too soon.” Leave before your child has a chance to get bored, tired or cranky.
  • Have pre-determined rewards, and consequences. Make these very clear to your child, and be firm and consistent in how you use them. Getting so angry you threaten to take away his television privileges for a year is an exercise in futility, and only shows your child that you say things you don’t mean. (If this does happen, later during a calm moment, explain that you did overreact, and want to be fair and change the terms.)
• Be selective. Choose your battles. Turn a somewhat ‘blind’ eye towards certain behaviors while focusing on those that you’ve determined are more important.
• Involve your child in the solutions, especially if he is older. Have him sign an elastic contract (in which the degree of independence is related to proven responsibility). Get his input (in advance) as to what would be a desirable reward or a suitable consequence. Then, should things not go as planned, you do not have to react, but simply act in the way you both agreed upon when the situation was first discussed. An example would be using the family car. Assign conditions that would allow this to happen, and those that would not only revoke the privilege but might have other consequences as well. Then follow through.
• Form a conscious partnership with your spouse. The more you present a unified front, the less likely your child will be to try to test the limits.
• Practice the techniques of healthy confrontation. There are positive ways to argue or discipline (which, by the way, means ‘to teach’ – not ‘to punish’). Some of the most effective:
  • Avoid accusation. Keep the focus on solutions. Keep positive possibility alive in your conversation. Teach your child how to find alternatives that work.
  • Focus on the behavior, not the child. State how his behaviors make you feel, or that you dislike the behaviors. Make it clear that the child is not his behaviors, but has the ability to, within reason, control and change them.
• De-escalate. You can’t communicate with an irrational person. When your child is very upset, he is irrational and cannot listen to reason. When you are very angry, you cannot deal with the situation rationally. So back down. Wait until you are both open to hearing what the other says. If voices keep rising, speak quietly. This breaks the pattern (and decreases the excitement level, which is stimulating). Remember that YOU are the adult and take the lead in resolving the situation.
• Accept that you are human. You will get angry and frustrated. You do have hopes that aren’t being fulfilled and fears that too often become real. Your child is only a reflection of your parenting on certain levels, just as you were only partially a reflection of your parents. Don’t let a sense that you’ve failed as a parent because you have a difficult child color your interactions with that child, or your self-respect.
• Avoid the AD/HD guilt trap. You may have similar challenges to those of your son, but he is his own person. ADD is an explanation, not an excuse. Because you think you have failed in certain areas doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have reasonable expectations for your child.
• Be kind – to yourself and to your child. But don’t confuse being kind and loving with having, and reinforcing, rules and standards. Give your child the benefit of your AD/HD in that you understand what it is like to be different, and truly appreciate his successes.

Written by Harold Robert Meyer and Susan Karyn Lasky

Related posts:

1. Six Ways for Fathers with ADD to Nurture and Enjoy Their ADD Teens.
2. Tips to Get Up and Out of Bed – On Time!