VANDERBILT ADHD RATING SCALES

This initial assessment tool, available on the website of Monroe Carell Jr. Children’s Hospital at Vanderbilt for use with children ages 6-12, contains rating scales for symptoms of disorders and for impairments in academic and behavioral performance. Although this tool is not intended for diagnosis, it is widely used to provide information about symptom presence and severity, as well as the child’s performance in the classroom, home, and social settings. The Vanderbilt Scale takes approximately 10 minutes to complete (the Parent Form has 55 items; the Teacher Form has 43 items).

Vanderbilt Parent Rating Scale
Vanderbilt Teacher Rating Scale

SNAP-IV R RATING SCALE

This scale, available on the website www.adhd.net, used with children and adolescents ages 6-18, contains 90 items, and takes about 10 minutes to administer. The SNAP-IV R includes symptoms of ADHD and also oppositional defiant disorders (ODD) and aggression. It was developed by Swanson, Nolan, and Pelham.

SNAP Rating Scale
SNAP Scoring Form

Please note:

A screener is not a definitive test. Whether the results of using the screener are positive or negative, if you think there is an issue, seek the help of a qualified mental health care provider!

by Chris A. Zeigler Dendy, M.S.*

Five years ago, most parents and teachers of students with ADHD didn’t have a clue that a child’s academic success was contingent upon strong executive skills. However, today’s savvy parents and educators realize that deficits in critical cognitive skills known as executive functions are slower to mature in many children with ADHD. Researchers report that 30-50 percent of children with ADHD experience these deficits. Practically speaking, problems with the “brain’s CEO” contribute to several academic problems: disorganization, difficulty getting started and finishing work, forgetting homework, plus difficulty memorizing facts, writing essays or reports, working complex math problems, completing long-term projects, being on time, controlling emotions, and planning for the future.

Before we understood the role of executive functions, parents and teachers were often baffled when students, even those who were intellectually gifted, teetered on the brink of school failure. Unfortunately, to the uninformed, deficits in executive skills often appeared to be a simple matter of “laziness or lack of motivation”. When a student had trouble getting started and finishing an essay or math work, it was easy to assume that the student chose not to do the task.

According to Dr. Russell Barkley, a leading researcher, students with ADHD experience roughly a thirty percent developmental delay in organizational and social skills. Practically speaking, our children appear less mature and responsible than their peers. For example, a twelve year old’s executive skills are often more like those of an eight-year-old. To ensure academic success for these students, parents and teachers must provide more supervision and monitoring than is normally expected for this age group. I like to refer to this as providing “developmentally appropriate supervision.”

Although scientists have not yet agreed on the exact elements of executive function, two ADHD researchers, Dr. Barkley and Dr. Tom Brown, have given us insightful working descriptions. Dr. Barkley describes executive function as those “actions we perform to ourselves and direct at ourselves so as to accomplish self-control, goal-directed behavior, and the maximization of future outcomes.” Through use of a metaphor, Dr. Brown gives us a helpful visual image by comparing executive function to the conductor’s role in an orchestra. The conductor organizes various instruments to begin playing singularly or in combination, integrates the music by bringing in and fading certain actions, and controls the pace and intensity of the music.

Although our son Alex successfully struggled through the early school years, he finally hit the proverbial “ADHD brick wall” in middle school. Belatedly I realized that the demands for executive skills increase exponentially in middle school (working independently, organizing oneself, getting started, remembering multiple assignments). As a former teacher and school psychologist, I’m also embarrassed to say I failed for many years to recognize that a high IQ score alone was not enough to make good grades.

It wasn’t until Dr. Barkley identified the central role executive function plays in school success, that I finally understood why school was so difficult for my son. Teachers would say, “Alex is very bright; he could make better grades if he would just try harder.” In truth, our children often do try harder, but even then, cannot make good grades without proper treatment and academic supports.

Components of Executive Function

Based upon material from Barkley and Brown, I have outlined five general components of executive function that impact school performance:

1. Working memory and recall (holding facts in mind while manipulating information; accessing facts stored in long-term memory.)
2. Activation, arousal, and effort (getting started; paying attention; finishing work)
3. Controlling emotions (ability to tolerate frustration; thinking before acting or speaking)
4. Internalizing language (using “self-talk” to control one’s behavior and direct future actions)
5. Taking an issue apart, analyzing the pieces, reconstituting and organizing it into new ideas (complex problem solving).

Let’s take a more in-depth look at just one element of executive functions—deficits in working memory and recall—and their impact on school work.

Poor Working Memory and Recall

Deficits in working memory and recall negatively affect these students in several areas:

The “here and now”: Our children have limited working memory capacity that often impacts their behavior at home and in the classroom:

• remembering and following instructions.
• memorizing math facts, spelling words, and dates.
• performing mental computation such as math in one’s head.
• completing complex math problems (algebra)
• remembering one part of an assignment while working on another segment.
• paraphrasing or summarizing.
• organizing and writing essays.

Sense of past events: Because our students have difficulty recalling the past, they have limited hindsight; in other words, they don’t learn easily from past behavior. This may help explain why our children often repeat misbehavior.

Sense of time: Many students with ADHD also have difficulty holding events in mind and using their sense of time to prepare for upcoming events and the future. Consequently, they have difficulty judging the passage of time accurately. Practically speaking, they don’t accurately estimate how much time it will take to finish a task, thus they may not allow enough time to complete the work.

Sense of self-awareness: As a result of their diminished self-awareness, these students don’t easily examine or change their own behavior. Perhaps this explains why they often are unaware of behaviors that may alienate friends.

Sense of the future: Most students with a working memory deficit focus on the here and now and are less likely to talk about time or plan for the future. Thus, they have limited foresight; in other words, they have difficulty projecting lessons learned in the past, forward into the future. Not surprisingly, they have difficulty preparing for the future.

Common Academic Problems Linked to ADHD and Executive Function Deficits

Many students with ADHD have impaired working memory and some also have slow processing speed, which are critical elements of executive function. Not surprisingly, these skills are critical for writing essays and working math problems.

A research study by Mayes and Calhoun has identified written expression as the most common learning problem among students with ADHD (65 percent).

Consequently, writing essays, drafting book reports or answering questions on tests or homework is often very challenging. For example, when writing essays, students often have difficulty holding ideas in mind, acting upon and organizing the ideas, quickly retrieving grammar, spelling and punctuation rules from long-term memory, manipulating all this information, remembering ideas to write down, organizing the material in a logical sequence, and then reviewing and correcting errors.

Since learning is relatively easy for most of us, sometimes we forget just how complex seemingly simple tasks such as memorizing multiplication tables or working a math problem really are. For example, when a student works on a math problem, he must fluidly move back and forth between analytical skills and several levels of memory (working, short-term, and long-term memory).

With word problems, he must hold several numbers and questions in mind while he decides how to work a problem. Next he must delve into long-term memory to find the correct math rule to use for the problem. Then he must hold important facts in mind while he applies the rules and shifts information back and forth between working and short-term memory to work the problem and determine the answer.

To further complicate matters, other serious conditions may co-occur with ADHD.

According to a landmark National Institute of Mental Health study on ADHD (known as the MTA), two-thirds of children with ADHD have at least one other coexisting problem, such as depression or anxiety. Accommodating students with complex cases of ADHD is critical! These children are at greater risk than their peers for a multitude of school problems, for example, failing a grade, skipping school, being suspended or expelled, and sometimes, dropping out of school and not going to college.

Favorite School Success Strategies

Over the years I have identified several teaching strategies and accommodations that work well for students with ADHD. So here are just a few of my favorite tips:

General Teaching Strategies

Make the learning process as concrete and visual as possible.

Written expression

• Dictate information to a “scribe” or parents.
• Use graphic organizers to provide visual prompts.
• Use “post-it” notes to brainstorm essay ideas.

Math

• Use a peer tutor.
• Use paired learning (teacher explains problem, students make up their own examples, swap problems, and discuss answers).
• (After barely passing high school and college algebra, my son made an A in calculus plus had a 100 average on tests when the professor used this strategy.)

Memory

• Use mnemonics (memory tricks), such as acronyms or acrostics, e.g., HOMES to remember names of the Great Lakes.
• Use “visual posting” of key information on strips of poster board.

Modify teaching methods

• Use an overhead projector to demonstrate how to write an essay. (Parents may simply write on
• paper or a computer to model this skill.)
• Use color to highlight important information.
• Use graphic organizers to help students organize their thoughts.

Modify assignments – reduce written work

• Shorten assignments.
• Check time spent on homework, and reduce it if appropriate (when total homework takes longer than roughly 10 minutes per grade as recommended in a PTA/NEA Policy, e.g. 7th grader = 70 minutes).
• Write answers only, not the questions (photocopy questions).

Modify testing and grading

• Give extended time on tests.
• Divide long-term projects into segments with separate due dates and grades.
• Average two grades on essays—one for content and one for grammar.

Modify level of support and supervision

• Appoint “row captains” to check to see that homework assignments are written down and later turned in to the teacher.
• Increase the amount of supervision and monitoring for these students, if they are struggling.

Use technology

• Use a computer as often as possible.
• Use software to help teach skills.

Unfortunately students with ADHD are often punished for executive function deficits such as lack of organizational and memory skills that interfere with their ability to bring home the correct homework assignments and books. Hopefully, after reading this article, teachers and parents will develop more innovative intervention strategies. For example, one effective alternative would be to have someone (a friend or teacher aide), meet the student at his locker to get the necessary homework materials together. Ultimately, this process of “modeling” and “shaping” behavior at the critical “point of performance” will help the student master skills or at a minimum, teach him to compensate for deficits.

In Closing

Clearly school is often very difficult for students with ADHD. However, when executive function deficits are also present, the accompanying problems are often overwhelming to the student and family.

Traditionally, some parents and teachers have had little awareness or sympathy for the challenges presented by these combined deficits.

Hopefully, teachers and parents of today realize that ADHD is often a very complex condition! It is much more than just a simple case of hyperactivity. When deficits in executive function and related learning problems are also present, students can try their very best and still not succeed in school!!

So what should parents and teachers do with this new information? Identify:

• The student’s specific learning problems (e.g. written expression or math) and
• Their executive function deficits (e.g. working memory, disorganization, forgetfulness, or impaired sense of time) and provide accommodations in both areas!

I leave you with this food for thought, “Succeeding in school is one of the most therapeutic things that can happen to a child!! So do whatever it takes to help the child succeed in school.”

—————–
A Personal Comment: Our youngest son, Alex, struggled terribly throughout his high school and college years with ADHD and executive function issues. We’re proud that he beat the odds and graduated from college. So if your child is struggling in school, do not give up. My family offers living proof that there is hope and help for ADHD and coexisting conditions.

Please visit my website www.chrisdendy.com to learn more about my family and how we have coped with ADHD. Several helpful articles are also available for you to download and share with friends. Best wishes for school success to you, your children and students with attention deficits!

References:

Barkley, Russell A.  Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, (3rd ed.) New York: The Guilford Press, 2006.
Brown, Thomas E.  Attention Deficit Disorders and Comorbidities in Children, Adolescents, and Adults. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Press, 2000.
Dendy, Chris A. Zeigler Teaching Teens with ADD and ADHD (Summary 28). Bethesda, MD: Woodbine  House, 2000
Dendy, Chris A. Zeigler Teenagers with ADD, (2nd ed.) Bethesda, MD: Woodbine House, 2006.
Deschler, Donald D., Edwin S. Ellis, and B. Keith Lenz. Teaching Adolescents with Learning Disabilities. Denver, CO: Love Publishing Company, 1996.
Levine, Mel Educational Care.(2nd ed.) Cambridge, MA: Educators Publishing Service, 2002.
Mayes Susan D. and Susan Calhoun “Prevalence and Degree of Attention and Learning Problems in ADHD and LD.” ADHD Reports, v.8, n.2, April 2000.

*This article was adapted by CHADD for publication in the February, 2008 Attention magazine.

Chris Dendy has over 40 years experience as a teacher, school psychologist, mental health counselor and administrator plus perhaps more importantly, she is the mother of two grown sons and a daughter with ADHD. Ms. Dendy is the author of three popular books on ADHD and producer of three videos, Teen to Teen: the ADD Experience and Father to Father. A new DVD for children and teens, Real Life ADHD, featuring 30 teens is currently in production. She and her son Alex coauthored a book specifically for teenagers: A Bird’s-Eye View of Life with ADD and ADHD: Advice from Young Survivors. She and her husband are members of CHADD’s President’s Council. She served on the national CHADD Board of Directors from 2001-2005. She was inducted into the CHADD Hall of Fame for outstanding contributions to the field.

Most Students WANT Rules & Consistency

REMEMBER: Discipline Means “To Teach”

Surprisingly, the easiest-going teachers are not always appreciated. We’ve heard this even from elementary school children, who preferred one school administrator over another because “Even though he’s much stricter, he’s always fair. He doesn’t change the rules and carries through with whatever he says.”

Consistency, fairness and going by the rules. It applies to teachers… and parents.

We recently spoke with a group of upper-school students. They were unanimous in their opinion of various teachers, as expressed by one of the teens:

At the beginning of the term I really thought I’d like Teacher A and Teacher B. They were so much friendlier than Teacher C and Teacher D. But it didn’t turn out that way. Even though Teachers C and D are stricter, they’re better teachers. They really know how to communicate the information in an interesting way.

And they have better control of the class. They don’t let anyone get out of hand. They immediately tell kids to stop messing around, you know they mean it, and it works. It’s not like they’re picking on anyone, it’s just reminding them about the rules.

With the other teachers, they try to be nice guys. They’ll cross their arms and wait for the class to quiet down. Meanwhile, kids in the class really act out, disturbing everyone. We’re not being taught so everyone gets bored and more kids start fooling around. It’s like the kids who are misbehaving are just waiting to be asked to stop. Then the teacher realizes no one is paying attention and gets really annoyed.

Sound familiar?

A good lesson in behavior management for parents as well as teachers. So are the following quotes from teachers that appeared on a U.S. Department of Education website:

Love them enough to risk their not liking you. Children must know that there are consequences to be suffered when they are not nice.
– C.A, Rhode Island

Style May Vary, But The Rules Should Not!

A few years ago I read what I think is the best piece of advice I ever read on classroom discipline…. The upshot was this:

When teachers were behaving in ways that made them comfortable, classroom discipline was best, & the kids learned the most.
In other words, teachers who liked quiet, orderly classes could not effectively fake a loose, casual demeanor. Conversely, teachers who were by nature less structured could not ‘pretend’ to be strict & inflexible. Their classes flourished best with some organized chaos. In other words, be yourself. – NF, Michigan

Disciplinary styles vary.

That’s okay. What isn’t okay is to send mixed messages, which is what happens when you’re inconsistent, or half-hearted (acting as if you don’t really believe what you’re saying). If you’re not convinced that what you do or say is both necessary and appropriate, don’t expect your savvy children to comply without a hassle

Parents & Discipline: A VERY Tough Job

Mixed messages are often the result of:

• Internal conflict —“I know she should clean her room, but she has so little free time. I wouldn’t want to be cleaning my room with weather so perfect for being outside.”
• Exhaustion —“I’m too tired to begin our nightly struggle over doing homework. Nor am I staying up long enough to keep checking that he hasn’t turned on the light in his room when he should be sleeping, not reading.”
• Confusion —“Is his behavior really inconsiderate or is he just totally unaware of what he just said?” “Should I be as strict with him now, when his meds have just worn off, as I am when I know he has more control over his actions?” “I know I must pick my battles… is this one worth fighting over?”
• Guilt —“How can I punish her for being what she is?” “If only I… then she wouldn’t have these problems.”
• Parental differences —It doesn’t work when parents who have different disciplinary styles want their spouse to do it my way.

It is critical for parents to present a united front on the issues and “stick to their guns” about expectations, rules and compliance/consequences, although the style in which they discipline can vary. Children can deal with this difference, as long as they aren’t allowed to play one parent against the other.

A quiet request for compliance from a determined parent (who will follow through with consequences) can be as effective as a more aggressive approach from a parent who has a less laid-back style. When parents are separated, maintaining consistency can be more difficult, and rules may vary in each household.

The key is that they are still consistent within the household, and that the parents, as much as they are able, still present a unified approach to rules and consequences. Sometimes, outside help is needed to mediate the rules.

Plus: The 4 Tactics Kids Use When They Get Caught

Reprinted with permission from:

by James Lehman, MSW

Note from James: A lot of the things we do to protect our children might be considered “spying” by our kids, but they are in fact measures we take to keep them safe from others, as well as from themselves. Before we begin, I want to say that I hesitate to use the word “spying” because it has a negative, sneaky connotation. It’s hard to “spy” on someone in your own home. But that’s a word parents understand and use when we talk about looking through our kids’ things, so we decided to use that characterization here.

Parents often wonder how much privacy their children need, and ask me if it’s okay to violate it. So before we get to the subject of spying on your child, I want to talk a little about adolescent privacy. Personally, I believe there should be a direct link between the amount of responsibility, consistency, and honesty that kids show and the amount of privacy they’re allowed to have in their rooms.

That’s one of a child’s big thinking errors. “I have a right to keep secrets from you; you don’t have any right to keep secrets from me.”

Adolescents need to separate and individuate. What that means is that they want to have a life of their own, and adolescence is really about preparing them for that. You should know that part of that process includes forming boundaries. To put it simply, boundaries are where your child ends and you begin. When a child is little, there is literally no separation: the child receives milk from its mother. And then as that child develops and gets older, boundaries start to develop. The day comes when your child goes to the bathroom and closes the door because he wants privacy, and he gets embarrassed if someone walks in. This separation is a natural part of human relationships, and as teens get older, the lines become clearer and clearer.

Parents and kids often fight over where these boundaries exist, but your child’s need to establish them is very important. That’s why I think it’s important that kids have privacy. They should have a room where they can go and just close the door. Even if they share a room with siblings, I think each child should have a place where they can have “alone time” and it’s respected by the family.

By the way, I understand that many parents go into their kids’ rooms to straighten up, pick up dirty clothes, and clean up: things we want our teens to do, even though they often don’t do it as much as we’d like. I don’t refer to that as “spying”—I call that doing what parents do. I think the term “spying” should be reserved for when parents start going through their kids’ closets and drawers, going onto their computer and checking emails, looking through their backpack and pockets, and other activities of that nature. In my opinion, if your child is otherwise trustworthy, honest and responsible, I don’t believe there’s any reason for you to do that. In fact, I invite parents not to do that, and to start respecting that boundary. Certainly we don’t want our kids going through our drawers and closets. In my opinion, we should give kids who are responsible and mature the same respect.

When You Shouldn’t Spy

If you have a teenager who meets her responsibilities, comes home on curfew, is where she says she’ll be when she said she’d be there, is hanging out with the people with whom she said she would be hanging out, and you have no reason to be suspicious about anything, I suggest you stay out of her room. And I think you should tell her that, too. You can say something like, “I’m not going to interfere with your privacy, because you’re doing so well. I have no reason not to trust you.” That way, she knows she’s being rewarded for her behavior—your lack of interference in her personal space is a direct result of her actions.

Why do I think you shouldn’t you spy on your kids without good reason? Many parents do it, and I’m not saying it’s wrong. But in my opinion, it doesn’t foster independence and individuation. We want to raise a young adult who can make independent decisions and who can have a life of their own. Don’t forget, one of the things teens try to do during puberty is individuate. Part of having a life of their own is having a space of their own. So when you spy on your otherwise responsible child, the message you’re sending is, “I don’t trust you, even when you haven’t done anything wrong.”

Spying on Your Child: When the Game Changes

Let me be clear: I believe the whole game changes if you have discovered something incriminating or if you have a very real suspicion about your child’s risky activities. When faced with this situation, many parents will ask me if they have the “right” to look in their child’s room. To be honest, I don’t like talking about rights; the word is just too overused in our culture. But here’s the deal: I believe that whoever’s name is on the mortgage has a right to look anywhere in their house. In my opinion, that’s your right because you own the house. Even more importantly, you have a responsibility to protect your kids from themselves, even if they don’t want that protection.

Instead of talking about rights, I prefer talking about responsibility, accountability and obligations. I think once something triggers your suspicion and it’s real—if you think your teen might be using drugs, drinking or engaging in other risky behavior—you have an obligation and a responsibility to your child to look in their room. One empty beer can is sufficient. If you find alcohol or drugs or medication that he’s not on, I think you have to start looking around, because your responsibility is to try to protect your child from himself. And in order to accomplish that, you need knowledge. Remember, knowledge is power. When I say power, I don’t mean hitting something with a hammer—I mean the power of knowledge, when you understand what’s going on, when your eyes finally open and you see something clearly.

Monitoring the Computer

I know parents who have put monitoring programs on their children’s computers after they’ve discovered that their children have used drugs. The parents were able to read all the outgoing and incoming email on their child’s computer. Now I’m not necessarily suggesting you do that, but I do see that as fair. Remember, it’s not like we as parents have to respect all kinds of privacy for our kids and then they get to do whatever they want to do. You can’t have two sets of values. It’s not as if, “I have to be good and you can do whatever you want.” Rather, “If you don’t meet your responsibilities to take care of yourself and to stay safe, then I’m going to take whatever steps necessary. If that means looking in your room, looking in your drawers and looking on your computer, that’s exactly what I’m prepared to do.” In my opinion, doing that kind of thing after you’ve caught your child engaging in risky behavior is one of the few tools parents have.

“Why Should I Tell My Child if I’m Spying?”

Many parents will ask, “Why should I tell him I’m going to do it? He’ll only hide it outside of the house.” But that’s not your problem as a parent. Your responsibility is to be up front and clear. If he hides it outside of the house, he hides it outside of the house—remember, after the first time you find something, he’s going to hide it outside the house anyway. That’s his choice. But you’re making the rules in your house and I think you should be very clear and open about that. Make sure there are no secrets and it’s all up front before you start checking your child’s room, backpack, and computer. It’s important that you keep your integrity as an honest person intact. You can say something like, “You’ve lost my trust and I’m going to start checking on you more often. I’m doing this because I love you, want you to be safe, and I’m just not going to let you do this in our home.”

When You’ve Found Your Child Engaging in Risky Behavior

It’s a terrible thing when you’re trying to be a “good enough parent” and then your child goes out into the world and gets into trouble with drugs, drinking and other risky behaviors. On top of that, our kids are told a lot of things about what we parents can, should and shouldn’t be able to do. In my opinion, they’re fed a lot of baloney about their rights and what they should be able to do. In reality, that’s a lot of nonsense.

The fact is that it’s your home. The cell phone is probably in your name, the computer is in your name, but even if they are not, you have every right and responsibility to check them if you’ve been given cause to do so. It’s completely okay for you to look into those things in order to keep your home safe, your other children safe and especially the child whom you think is messing up safe. Don’t forget, when kids use drugs or do criminal behavior or engage in other risky activities, part of the power they have is to be secretive. That’s one of their big thinking errors. “I have a right to keep secrets from you; you don’t have any right to keep secrets from me.”

But the idea for you as a parent is, “You don’t have a right to keep secrets from me if it’s something that endangers you or endangers our family.” In my office, I trained parents to handle this situation by explaining it the following way: “You don’t have to search your child’s room, but it’s okay if you do. If your kid says, ‘You can’t do that, I’m going to call the cops,’ call the cops for them.” The police are not social workers, but if a child has been using drugs and the parent searches the room, they will support the parent. I think parents should be checking up on their child after a major infraction—and giving them stern consequences—as an obligation and as a responsibility.

By the way, parents have a hard time calling the police, and I understand. But I think it gives your child the following clear message: “Don’t try to intimidate me. I’m not going to let you destroy yourself. I’ll take any steps necessary to make sure it doesn’t happen.” I tell parents, “If he won’t listen to your authority, let’s kick it up a notch. Let’s go to a higher level of authority.” Believe me, when there’s a guy in your room in a blue uniform with a gun on and handcuffs on his belt and a big old flashlight, you know right away you’re not dealing with mommy and daddy anymore. That message comes across loud and clear: You’re not dealing with someone who you can manipulate and turn things around on.

Don’t Let Your Child Turn the Argument Around on You

When kids are caught with something incriminating, many of them will try to turn it around and say, “I can’t believe you went into my room!” They make it seem as if the parent has done something wrong. Turning things around is a tactic kids use to put parents on the defensive. They create an argument as a diversion to avoid taking responsibility for their actions or behavior. Below are a few tactics kids use when in this situation, and ways for you as a parent to make sure the discussion stays on track.

Tactic #1: “I can’t believe you were spying on me!”

Here’s a common scenario: The parent says, “I found some rolling papers in your desk drawer.” And the child answers them with, “I can’t believe you were spying on me! I’m 16 years old. What’s wrong with you?” The parent should not get sucked into that argument. Instead, the parent should say, “I told you I’d be checking into things. The problem is not whether I’ve been spying on you, the problem is the rolling papers you have in your drawer. And that’s the only thing I’m willing to talk to you about. If you want to yell or scream, go yell or scream some place else. Because when you’re done, that’s what we’ll discuss. Not me violating your rights, because you are violating our home.”

So, don’t let your child turn it around. Say, “We’ll talk about this when you’re ready to talk about it calmly.” And then turn around and walk away. If your child says, “I’m ready now.” Tell him, “No, we have to wait 15 minutes. I’m not calm enough now.” Go sit down, take a walk, go have a cup of tea. And then come back, talk about it, and explain the consequences for their actions.

Tactic #2: “I’m holding it for a friend.”

Kids will also say, “Well, it’s not even mine. I’m holding it for a friend.” I think you should come back with, “I don’t want to hear any of that. It’s your responsibility not to bring stuff like this into this house and you’re going to be held accountable for it no matter what you were doing.” Because kids will try to tell you that they’re being noble—it’s another tactic they use. They’re doing it to “save a friend.” Just don’t buy that. Say, “You brought it into the house. It’s in your possession. It’s your responsibility.” Look at it this way, if a cop stops you and you have an ounce of marijuana and you tell him it’s your cousin’s, they don’t want to hear that. You’ve got it in your hand, that’s all that matters because you’re in possession of it. And if you’re in possession of it, you’re responsible for it and you’re accountable to the law. That’s all there is to it.

Tactic #3: “Why don’t you trust me?”

As I’ve said, adolescents are real pros at diverting the argument. So, if you say, “How come I found an empty beer can under your bed,” they might come back with, “Why are you spying in my room—why don’t you trust me?” But that’s not the question or the issue. The issue is that your child had an empty beer can under his bed. Holding him accountable is not spying, and you’re not violating his privacy or rights; don’t get dragged into that fight. Say, “We’re not talking about trusting you. We’re not talking about violating your privacy. You know the rules in this house. There are no drugs and alcohol allowed, both in the house and for your own personal use. That’s the issue, not your privacy. We’re going to talk about this in an hour, and I want you to be ready.” And turn around and leave the room.

Tactic #4: “You broke your promise!”

If you spy on your child without cause and find something incriminating, I think you have to sit down and say, “Listen, I did something today that you’re not going to like. I went into your room without your knowledge and I looked around. And while I know you don’t like that, and I know that I told you I wouldn’t, I did it today. And I accept that you’re angry. If there’s some way I can make it up to you, I will. But while I was in there, I found some cough syrup bottles. And we’re going to have to talk about that and deal with it. And I want an answer as to how they got there and why they are in my house.” And if your child gets really incriminating and tries to turn it around, if he starts escalating and yells, “You promised you wouldn’t go in my room,” you can say, “We’ll talk about this when you calm down. I’ll be back in half an hour.” And turn around and leave. In this case, I think you should admit you were wrong and say you’re sorry if that’s the case. But also, the issue at hand has to be dealt with. Some things are just that important.

Is It OK to Take the Door Off My Child’s Bedroom?

I’ve known families where they’ve taken the door off the bedroom of an acting-out child.

My question for them is always, “Well, how’s he going to have any privacy?” If you take their door off, in my opinion, you’d better have a good reason. If your child is smoking pot in his room and hanging out the window, I think that’s a good reason. But ask yourself this: once you take the door off, how are you going to let him earn it back? It’s not, “The door’s gone forever.” And it’s not even, “The door’s gone for a month.” It’s, “The door’s gone until you…” Just like we teach in The Complete Guide to Consequences, give him a task-oriented consequence.

By the way, we’re not talking here about your child winning back your trust. If your child wants to earn back your trust and his privacy, where you’re not spying on him anymore, that can be discussed at a later date—but not soon. And you can tell your child, “That’s not on the table right now. For now, we’re dealing with the consequences of your actions.”

Privacy is a Privilege, Not a Right

Again, giving a child privacy as to what goes on in their room or what’s in their drawers is a privilege you give them because they are trustworthy and honest. In my opinion, it’s not a right. And your kids should know that if they violate the trust and honesty, one of the things that’s going to change is that you are going to be watching them more carefully. And yes, that might mean going through their drawers or closet or looking through their email. But that’s the price they pay for being dishonest and untrustworthy. We all have to learn in life that losing someone’s trust is a very powerful thing. People get fired from their jobs because they’ve done something that violates their boss’s trust, like stolen something from work or used drugs or alcohol while on the job. Trust is not something that can be taken lightly, both inside your home and out. It’s not spying when you decide you have to take extra steps to keep your kids safe from what’s going on in the outside world and from their own poor decisions, especially if you have other children in the home.