Harold Robert Meyer | The ADD Resource Center Reviewed 10/09/2025 Published 10/12/2025
Listen to understand, rather than to reply.
That’s a really frustrating and invalidating comment to hear, especially when you’re dealing with ADHD. It shows a lack of understanding about how ADHD actually impacts someone’s life, and it can feel like your struggles are being dismissed.
Here are some ways you could respond, based on your relationship with the person, your energy levels, and your goals:
1. Educate (if you have the desire):
- “I appreciate you think I’m smart, but ADHD isn’t about effort or intelligence. My brain works differently, and things that might be easy for others can take me a lot more energy or different strategies. It’s not a lack of trying, it’s a neurological difference.”
- “When you say ‘try harder,’ it actually makes me feel like you don’t understand the real challenges I face. It’s not about willingness; it’s about executive function difficulties that are part of ADHD.”
2. Set a Boundary (if the comments are repetitive or unhelpful):
- “I understand you might be trying to help, but comments like ‘if only you would try harder’ aren’t helpful to me. They actually make me feel more discouraged.”
- “I’d appreciate it if you could try to understand that ADHD isn’t a choice or a lack of effort. I’m doing my best, and what I really need is understanding, not criticism.”
3. Express Your Feelings (if you want them to understand the impact):
- “When you say that, it makes me feel really misunderstood and frustrated, because I am trying incredibly hard, often in ways you might not see.”
- “It’s hard to hear that, because it implies I’m not putting in effort, when in reality, I’m constantly battling challenges related to my ADHD.”
4. Keep it Short and Simple (if you don’t have the energy for a full explanation):
- “It’s more complex than just ‘trying harder,’ but thanks.”
- “That’s a common misconception about ADHD.”
5. Reflect and Redirect (if you want to shift the focus):
- “I hear what you’re saying, and I know you mean well, but the reality of living with ADHD is much more nuanced than just ‘trying harder.’ Perhaps we could talk about what specific challenges you’re seeing, and I could explain how ADHD impacts those areas?”
Remember, you don’t owe anyone an explanation, but sometimes educating can lead to better understanding. Choose the response that feels most authentic and comfortable for you in the moment.
If the person just doesn’t get it, remember a fool often mistakes ignorance for wisdom — unaware that it is his own blindness that keeps him in the dark.
Harold Meyer founded The A.D.D. Resource Center in 1993 to provide ADHD education, advocacy, and support. He co-founded CHADD of New York, served as CHADD’s national treasurer, and was president of the Institute for the Advancement of ADHD Coaching. A writer and speaker on ADHD, he has also led school boards and task forces, conducted educator workshops, worked in advertising and tech consulting, and contributed to early online ADHD forums.
Disclaimer: Our content is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice. While we strive for accuracy, errors or omissions may occur. Content may be generated with artificial intelligence tools, which can produce inaccuracies. Readers are encouraged to verify information independently.
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