Harold Robert Meyer | The ADD Resource Center 08/20/2025 Reviewed 8/14/2025
Listen to understand, rather than to reply.
When children with ADHD say “But Mommy lets me do it!”, they’re often testing boundaries while navigating the complex world of different rules across environments. This article provides evidence-based strategies for parents, caregivers, and educators to respond effectively while maintaining consistency and connection. You’ll learn why ADHD children particularly struggle with varying expectations, discover six practical response techniques, and gain tools to turn these moments into valuable learning opportunities. These approaches help build the structure and predictability that children with ADHD need to thrive.
Children with ADHD face unique challenges when navigating different rules and expectations across environments. Their executive functioning difficulties make it harder to switch between different sets of rules, remember context-specific expectations, and regulate their emotional responses when told “no.” When you hear “But Mommy lets me do it!”, you’re witnessing more than typical boundary testing—you’re seeing a child with ADHD trying to make sense of a world that often feels inconsistent and overwhelming.
Understanding how to respond effectively isn’t just about maintaining authority; it’s about providing the clear structure and emotional support that helps children with ADHD develop self-regulation skills. Research shows that consistent, calm responses to these challenging moments can significantly improve behavior outcomes and strengthen relationships between children and their caregivers.
When a child with ADHD says “But Mommy lets me do it!”, several factors may be at play beyond typical boundary testing. Children with ADHD often have difficulty with:
Working memory challenges make it hard to remember which rules apply in which settings. They might genuinely struggle to recall that different homes have different expectations about screen time, bedtime routines, or homework completion.
Executive functioning deficits affect their ability to shift between different sets of rules mentally. What seems like defiance might actually be cognitive inflexibility—their brain hasn’t smoothly transitioned from “home rules” to “grandparent’s house rules.”
Emotional regulation difficulties can cause bigger reactions to hearing “no.” The intensity of their response often reflects their neurological challenges, not intentional disrespect.
Before responding, take a mental breath. Ask yourself: Is this defiance, confusion, or genuine difficulty transitioning between expectations? ADHD children often need extra processing time to understand why rules might differ.
Harold Meyer from the ADD Resource Center emphasizes that understanding the “why” behind ADHD behaviors helps caregivers respond with patience rather than frustration.
Keep your tone steady and avoid making the absent parent seem “wrong.” ADHD children are particularly sensitive to emotional tension and may escalate if they sense conflict between caregivers.
Effective response: “I understand Mommy has different rules at her house (If you are separated or divorced). Right now you’re with me, and this is how we do things here.”
This approach validates their experience while maintaining your authority.
Children with ADHDoften feel misunderstood. Acknowledging their point of view before redirecting helps them feel heard and reduces resistance.
Example: “It sounds confusing when different adults have different rules. That makes sense that you’d wonder about this.”
ADHD children benefit from understanding the reasoning behind rules. Keep explanations brief and concrete:
Example: “At Mommy’s house, you can have snacks before dinner. Here, we eat dinner first so our bodies get the nutrition they need to focus better.”
Help children see how following rules supports their own interests:
Example: “I know you want to do well in school tomorrow. Our bedtime routine helps your brain rest so you can focus better in class.”
Use these moments to build an important life skill. Children with ADHD will encounter different expectations throughout their lives—at school, with friends, in activities, and eventually at work.
Teaching moment: “Different places have different rules, just like how school has different rules than home. Learning to follow the rules wherever you are is a superpower that will help you succeed.”
Never respond with phrases like “I don’t care what Mommy says” or “Well, Mommy’s wrong.” These responses:
ADHD children benefit from understanding that different people can have different approaches without one being “wrong.” Help them understand that:
People have different priorities: “Mommy might focus on making sure you have fun after school, while I focus on getting homework done first. Both are important.”
Situations call for different rules: “At Mommy’s house, there might be more space to run around inside. Here, we have neighbors downstairs, so we play outside instead.”
Adults make decisions based on different factors: “Mommy and I both love you, and sometimes we show that by making different choices about what’s best.”
Generally, no—not in the moment. Here’s why:
For the child: Bringing the other parent into the immediate conversation can:
For children with ADHD specifically: They need clear, immediate responses. Adding another adult voice and potential conflict increases cognitive load when they’re already struggling to process the rule change.
When it might be helpful: Consider involving the other parent later if:
Better approach: Handle the immediate situation with your clear, calm response, then follow up with the co-parent privately if needed to discuss any concerning patterns or coordinate future approaches.
Co-parenting a child with ADHD requires extra coordination. While some rule differences between homes are normal and healthy, major inconsistencies can create additional stress for ADHD children who thrive on predictability.
Consider coordinating on:
Remember: You don’t need identical rules, but communication helps both homes support the child’s success.
Every “But Mommy lets me do it!” moment is an opportunity to strengthen your relationship and teach valuable skills. Children with ADHD who learn to navigate different expectations with support become more adaptable, confident adults.
Focus on:
The goal isn’t perfect compliance—it’s helping your ADHD child develop the executive functioning skills they need to succeed across different environments.
When you hear those familiar words, remember that you’re not just managing a challenging moment—you’re teaching life skills. By staying calm, acknowledging their experience, and maintaining consistent boundaries, you help children with ADHD feel secure while building their capacity for flexibility and success.
The patience you show today builds the foundation for their future ability to navigate the complex world of varying expectations they’ll encounter throughout their lives.
Disclaimer: Our content is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice. While we strive for accuracy, errors or omissions may occur. Content may be generated with artificial intelligence tools, which can produce inaccuracies. Readers are encouraged to verify information independently.
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Harold Meyer
The ADD Resource Center, Inc.
Email: HaroldMeyer@addrc.org
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