Harold Robert Meyer | The ADD Resource Center Reviewed 10/03/2025 Published 10/04/2025
Listen to understand, rather than to reply.
If you’re parenting a child with ADHD alongside siblings who don’t have it, you’ve probably faced this heartbreaking question: “Why does [sibling’s name] get all your attention?” This article gives you honest, age-appropriate language to explain ADHD differences to your neurotypical child—while making absolutely clear that ADHD isn’t about being lazy, less intelligent, or less capable. You’ll learn how to frame ADHD as one type of brain difference in a world full of different kinds of brains, introduce the concept that we all have unique “islands of competency,” and help both children understand that some skills need more time and support to develop. You’ll walk away with specific phrases you can use tonight, activities that honor both children’s strengths, and strategies that foster empathy rather than stigma.
The sibling who doesn’t have ADHD is watching—and forming conclusions. When you need to redirect your ADHD child for the third time during dinner, when you’re helping them find shoes that were “right there a second ago,” when bedtime takes an extra 45 minutes of regulation support—your other child is drawing conclusions about what this means. Without your guidance, they might conclude that their sibling is careless, isn’t trying hard enough, or gets away with things they wouldn’t be allowed to do. These misunderstandings can harden into lifelong stigma. But here’s the opportunity: this question is actually a gift. It means your neurotypical child trusts you enough to voice their confusion, and it gives you the chance to shape how they understand human difference. The language you use now will influence not just their relationship with their sibling, but how they think about disability, neurodiversity, and what it means to be “smart” or “capable” for the rest of their lives.
ADHD is about brain wiring and development timing, not effort, intelligence, or character. Children with ADHD are just as smart, capable, and hardworking as anyone else—their brains simply develop certain skills on a different timeline and process information differently.
Everyone has “islands of competency”—areas where they naturally excel and areas that require more support. Your child with ADHD has remarkable strengths that might include creativity, hyperfocus on interests, humor, empathy, or high energy. These aren’t consolation prizes; they’re genuine superpowers.
What looks like “extra attention” is actually specialized support for specific skills. Just as some children work with reading tutors or physical therapists, children with ADHD benefit from extra support with executive function skills—and this support isn’t a reward or special treatment.
Describing ADHD accurately prevents children without ADHD from developing harmful misconceptions. Words matter. Framing ADHD as a “difference” rather than a “problem,” and as a neurological reality rather than a choice, shapes whether your child sees their sibling with respect or pity.
The sibling relationship benefits when both children understand each other’s strengths and challenges. Children who grow up understanding neurodiversity become adults who advocate for accessibility, challenge stereotypes, and recognize that intelligence and capability show up in many forms.
When your child asks why their sibling “gets all the attention,” what they’re really asking is: “Am I important to you? Do you see me? Will my needs matter even though I don’t make as much noise?”
But there’s often a second, unspoken question lurking beneath: “Is something wrong with my sibling? Why can’t they just do what they’re supposed to do?”
You might hear variations: “Why don’t they just try harder?” or “How come they get away with things I’d get in trouble for?” or “Are they ever going to act normal?”
These questions reveal that your neurotypical child is trying to make sense of differences they observe, and without accurate information, they’ll fill in the blanks with misconceptions. Your job is to provide the truth: ADHD is real, it’s neurological, and it has nothing to do with being lazy, crazy, or stupid.
“Remember how we talked about how everyone has things they’re really good at and things that are harder for them? You’re amazing at [specific strength], and your sister is incredible at [genuine ADHD child’s strength—maybe creative storytelling, building things, noticing details others miss, making people laugh, or showing kindness to animals].
But everyone’s brain also has things it needs more help with. Your sister’s brain needs extra support with things like waiting, organizing her stuff, and remembering steps—not because she’s not trying, not because she’s not smart, but because the part of her brain that handles those things is still growing and learning how to work. It’s kind of like how some kids learn to read at five and others learn at seven—they’re both smart; their brains just develop those skills at different times.
So when I give her reminders or help her calm down when she’s frustrated, I’m helping that part of her brain practice and grow stronger. Does that make sense?”
Critical addition: “Your sister is just as smart as you are. Just as capable. Just as important. She just needs help with different things than you do, and you need help with different things than she does. We all do.”
“I’m glad you brought this up because I want to make sure you understand what ADHD actually is—and what it isn’t.
ADHD isn’t about being lazy or not caring. Your brother’s brain is actually working incredibly hard all the time. The executive function part of his brain—that is, the part that helps with planning, organizing, controlling impulses, and managing big emotions—develops more slowly in kids with ADHD. But here’s what’s important: this has nothing to do with how smart he is. Kids with ADHD are just as intelligent as anyone else. Many brilliant scientists, artists, entrepreneurs, and leaders have ADHD.
Think about it this way: we all have what are called ‘islands of competency’—areas where we’re naturally strong and areas where we need more support. Your brother’s islands of competency include [specific genuine strengths: maybe incredible creativity, the ability to hyperfocus on things he’s passionate about, seeing solutions others miss, boundless energy for activities he loves, deep empathy for others, or asking questions that make people think differently]. Your islands are different—you’re great at [neurotypical child’s strengths]. Neither set is better; they’re just different.
So yes, sometimes I need to give him more reminders or help him more with organizing his backpack or managing frustration. But that’s not because he’s not trying hard enough. It’s because those specific skills need more time and practice to develop for him. It’s like if someone needed glasses to see clearly—the glasses aren’t a reward for having poor vision; they’re a tool that helps them see. My reminders and support are tools that help his brain do what it’s trying to do.”
“I appreciate you being honest with me about this. You’re right that your sibling requires more intervention sometimes, and I want to explain why in a way that’s accurate and respectful to both of you.
ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition. That means certain parts of the brain—specifically the prefrontal cortex, which handles executive function—develop on a different timeline. For kids with ADHD, this part of the brain can be about three years behind in development compared to their peers. But—and this is critical—this has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence, work ethic, or character.
Your sibling is just as smart as you are. Period. In fact, people with ADHD often have exceptional abilities in areas like creative problem-solving, thinking outside the box, hyperfocusing on interests, connecting seemingly unrelated ideas, and bringing energy and enthusiasm to projects they care about. These aren’t minor consolations; these are genuine cognitive strengths that the world desperately needs.
Here’s an analogy: imagine if you had to run a race but your starting line was a hundred meters behind everyone else’s. You could be the fastest runner in the group, but you’d still appear to be falling behind simply because you started from a different place. That’s what executive function delays are like. Your sibling is running just as hard—maybe harder—but they’re starting from a different developmental position with those specific skills.
So when I provide extra support, I’m not giving them special treatment or excusing behavior. I’m providing accommodations for a real neurological difference—the same way we’d provide a ramp for someone who uses a wheelchair or large-print books for someone with vision challenges. Those accommodations don’t mean the person is less capable; they mean we’re being smart about helping them access their full potential.
I also want you to think about islands of competency. Every person has areas of strength and areas of challenge. Your sibling’s challenges are more visible because they affect daily executive functioning, but that doesn’t make them more significant than anyone else’s challenges—they’re just more obvious. And their strengths—[specific genuine abilities]—are equally real and equally valuable.”
Don’t just tell your neurotypical child that their sibling with ADHD has strengths—show them. Make those strengths visible and celebrated:
“Did you see how your sister figured out that puzzle in a completely different way than the instructions showed? That creative problem-solving is one of her superpowers.”
“Your brother just spent three hours building that Minecraft world without any breaks. That ability to hyperfocus on something he’s passionate about? That’s an ADHD strength. Many entrepreneurs and inventors have that same ability.”
“Notice how your sister always knows when someone’s feeling sad and knows exactly what to say? That emotional sensitivity is part of how her brain works.”
Make sure your neurotypical child sees their ADHD sibling succeeding, creating, contributing, and being genuinely celebrated—not just managing behavior.
Use this language with both children: “We all have different islands of competency—areas where we’re naturally strong. Let’s think about our family: Dad is amazing at fixing things but needs help remembering appointments. Mom is great at planning but struggles with being patient when things don’t go as planned. You’re incredible at [strength] but sometimes need support with [challenge]. Your sibling is brilliant at [strength] but needs more help right now with [executive function challenge]. Different islands, all equally important.”
This framing normalizes that everyone—adults included—has an uneven profile of abilities.
Don’t wait for leftover attention to trickle down to your neurotypical child. Schedule specific time with them—even 15 minutes of undistracted connection matters more than an hour of distracted presence.
One parent shared: “Every Tuesday night is ‘just us’ time with my daughter without ADHD. We get ice cream, or sit on her bed and talk, or take a walk. She knows it’s coming, and she knows nothing will interrupt it unless there’s a genuine emergency. That predictability has changed everything.”
Replace: “Your brother can’t focus” With: “Your brother’s brain is still developing the skills for sustained focus on things that don’t immediately interest him. He can already hyperfocus amazingly well on things he’s passionate about—now we’re helping him build that skill for other tasks too.”
Replace: “Your sister is so disorganized” With: “Your sister’s organizational skills are developing on a different timeline. We’re teaching her systems and strategies while her brain continues to mature in this area.”
Replace: “Why can’t he just sit still?” With: “His brain needs movement to think well. Some brains process better when the body is still; his processes better when he’s moving. It’s not better or worse—just different.”
Fair doesn’t mean identical. Use concrete examples they already understand: “Remember when you had the flu and I brought you soup in bed? I didn’t bring soup to your sister because she didn’t need it. That wasn’t unfair—that was giving each person what they needed. Remember when you were learning to swim and needed floaties, but your older cousin didn’t? That wasn’t unfair—you were at different stages of developing that skill.”
You can validate your neurotypical child’s frustration without reinforcing negative views of ADHD:
Instead of: “I know it’s hard when your brother is so difficult.” Try: “I know it’s frustrating when we have to leave the park early because your brother’s having a hard time with transitions. That’s disappointing for you.”
Instead of: “Your sister really needs to learn to control herself,” Try: “Your sister is working really hard on developing impulse control. That skill is harder for her brain right now, and she’s making progress even if it’s not obvious.”
For your ADHD child, make sure your neurotypical child witnesses you celebrating effort and growth: “Did you see that your brother put his backpack away today without any reminders? That’s huge progress—he’s been working so hard on that skill.”
This helps your neurotypical child understand that their sibling is actively working on these challenges, not ignoring them or getting away with things.
Here’s what many neurotypical siblings don’t realize: all that “extra attention” often doesn’t feel good to the child receiving it, and the person with ADHD is working incredibly hard even when it doesn’t look that way.
You might say: “Your sister would love to be able to just remember to grab her backpack without me asking three times. She’d love to not need reminders. Her brain is working really hard to do things that your brain does more automatically right now. It’s not that she’s not trying—she’s actually trying harder than you might have to try for the same task.
Imagine if every single day, someone had to tell you ten times to do basic things you desperately wish you could just automatically do. Would that feel like getting special attention, or would it feel kind of exhausting and frustrating? Your sister is just as smart as you, just as capable, and working just as hard—her brain just needs more time and support to develop certain skills. That doesn’t make her less than anyone else.”
This isn’t just about managing sibling dynamics—it’s about raising children who understand that brains work differently, that different isn’t deficient, and that intelligence and capability show up in countless forms.
Share your own challenges: “My brain needs coffee before I can have a conversation. Dad’s brain needs quiet to concentrate. Your brother’s brain needs movement to think clearly. Everybody’s brain has its own operating system, and none is better or worse—they’re just different.”
Point out accommodations in the world: “See how that building has a ramp, stairs, and an elevator? Some bodies need ramps, some need stairs, some need elevators, and all three get you inside. That’s what we do in families—we figure out what each person needs to succeed.”
“Scientists are learning that there’s no such thing as one ‘normal’ or ‘right’ kind of brain. There are lots of different ways brains can be wired, and each type has advantages and challenges. ADHD is one type of brain difference. Autism is another. Dyslexia is another. And neurotypical brains—that’s probably how your brain works—are another type. The world needs all kinds of brains because different types of brains notice different things, solve problems in different ways, and contribute in different ways.”
When you hear your neurotypical child expressing misconceptions, address them immediately:
If they say: “They’re just not trying hard enough” You say: “Actually, kids with ADHD often have to try much harder than other kids to do the same tasks. The effort is invisible because it’s happening inside their brain, but it’s very real.”
If they say: “Why can’t they just be normal?” You say: “There is no one ‘normal’—there are just lots of different kinds of brains. Your sibling’s brain is perfectly valid and valuable exactly as it is. They’re not broken or wrong; they’re different.”
If they say: “They’re so dumb” or “They’re so crazy” You say: “Stop right there. That’s not true and it’s not okay to say. Your sibling has ADHD, which has nothing to do with intelligence, and using words like ‘dumb’ or ‘crazy’ is hurtful and inaccurate. Let’s talk about what you’re actually frustrated about.”
Maybe you’re reading this and thinking, “It’s too late. My neurotypical child already has negative views of their ADHD sibling.”
It’s not too late.
Start with validation: “I think I’ve been so focused on helping your brother that I haven’t checked in enough with you about how all this affects you, and I also haven’t done a good enough job helping you understand what ADHD actually is. I’m sorry. Can you tell me what it’s been like for you?”
Then listen. Really listen. Don’t defend or explain immediately. Let them feel heard first.
After they’ve shared, you might say: “Thank you for trusting me with this. I’m hearing that you feel [reflection of their feelings]. I want to help you understand your brother better, and I also want to make sure you feel seen and valued. Here’s what I’m going to do differently…”
Then follow through. Maybe that means family therapy with a therapist who specializes in ADHD. Maybe it means scheduled one-on-one time with each child. Maybe it means explicitly teaching both children about neurodiversity. Maybe it means involving your ADHD child’s other support systems (teachers, therapists, extended family) so less of the burden falls on you—and by extension, on your other child.
This work isn’t just about your neurotypical child—your child with ADHD needs to hear these messages too. They need to know their challenges aren’t character flaws and their strengths aren’t flukes.
Tell them directly: “You have an ADHD brain, which means you have some incredible strengths—like [specific genuine abilities]. It also means some skills take more time and practice for you to develop, like [executive function challenges]. But you’re just as smart and capable as anyone. Your brain is developing on its own timeline, and with the right support and strategies, you’re going to do amazing things.”
Make sure both children hear you describe ADHD accurately—not as a deficit, but as a different neurological profile with both challenges and genuine advantages.
Years from now, your neurotypical child will encounter people with ADHD, autism, dyslexia, anxiety disorders, physical disabilities, and countless other differences. How they understand and treat those people is being shaped right now, in your home, by the language you use and the attitudes you model.
You’re teaching them whether “different” means “less than” or just “different.”
You’re teaching them whether intelligence is one narrow thing or many things.
You’re teaching them whether people deserve support and accommodation, or whether needing help means you’re weak.
You’re teaching them whether to lead with curiosity and empathy, or judgment and stigma.
Here’s what many parents discover years later: the neurotypical sibling of a child with ADHD often develops extraordinary empathy, nuanced thinking about ability and disability, and fierce advocacy for accessibility and justice. They become the coworker who challenges ableist assumptions. They become the friend who understands that intelligence shows up in many forms. They become adults who make the world more inclusive.
But these gifts only emerge if you do the work now—if you validate their feelings, provide accurate information, celebrate both children’s islands of competency, and model how to love and respect someone whose brain works differently from yours.
Your child is watching how you handle this. They’re learning whether having challenges makes someone less valuable. They’re learning whether attention is a zero-sum game. They’re learning whether fairness means sameness or means giving people what they actually need.
Show them that every person in your family matters. Show them that everyone has areas of strength and areas of challenge. Show them that the measure of a family isn’t whether everyone requires the same amount of support, but whether everyone gets what they genuinely need to develop their potential. Show them that different timelines for development don’t mean different destinations.
And most importantly, show them that their sibling with ADHD is not inferior, not lazy, not crazy, not stupid—but brilliant, capable, valuable, and worthy of respect and understanding.
Meyer, H. (2024). Understanding ADHD family dynamics. ADD Resource Center. https://www.addrc.org
Armstrong, T. (2010). Neurodiversity: Discovering the extraordinary gifts of autism, ADHD, dyslexia, and other brain differences. Da Capo Press.
Barkley, R. A. (2015). Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder: A handbook for diagnosis and treatment (4th ed.). Guilford Press.
Sibley, M. H. (2021). Parenting strategies for managing ADHD symptoms in children. Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology, 50(4), 556-569.
Explaining ADHD to kids. (2024). CHADD. https://chadd.org/adhd-information/explaining-adhd-to-kids/
Disclaimer: Our content is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice. While we strive for accuracy, errors or omissions may occur. Content may be generated with artificial intelligence tools, which can produce inaccuracies. Readers are encouraged to verify information independently. For personalized guidance, please consult with a qualified healthcare provider or family therapist familiar with ADHD and neurodiversity.
Disclaimer: Our content is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice. While we strive for accuracy, errors or omissions may occur. Content may be generated with artificial intelligence tools, which can produce inaccuracies. Readers are encouraged to verify information independently.
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