Harold Robert Meyer | The ADD Resource Center Reviewed 010/28/2025 Published 10/30/2025
Listen to understand, rather than to react.
Executive Summary
If you have ADHD, you’ve likely seen “the look“—the flash of impatience, confusion, or discomfort in someone’s eyes when your symptoms show up. This article explores why common ADHD traits like interrupting, fidgeting, and emotional intensity can challenge social norms and make others feel uncomfortable. More importantly, it reframes this dynamic. You’ll learn how to differentiate your responsibility to manage your symptoms from the impossible burden of managing other people’s feelings. We’ll cover practical strategies for self-advocacy, setting boundaries, and, ultimately, releasing the “shame” that comes from being told you’re “too much” or “not enough.” This is about understanding the friction so you can navigate it with confidence.
Why This Matters
Living with ADHD in a world not built for your brain is exhausting and maybe even debilitating. A significant part of that exhaustion comes from social friction. You might constantly self-monitor, trying to suppress your natural energy or thought patterns to fit in. When you “fail”—when you interrupt, forget a detail, or get visibly excited—the resulting social penalty can be painful. This experience often leads to deep-seated shame and conditions like Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)*, a profound emotional pain tied to perceived rejection or criticism.
Understanding why your traits make others uncomfortable is not about finding new ways to “fix” yourself. It’s about de-personalizing their reaction. Their discomfort is often a sign of their own inflexibility or lack of understanding, not a measure of your worth. This article matters because it’s time to stop apologizing for your neurology and start building the self-compassion you deserve.
Key Findings
- A Clash of Norms: Many ADHD traits (e.g., rapid speech, physical movement, non-linear communication) directly conflict with unspoken social standards for “polite” behavior.
- Their Discomfort Is Data, Not a Verdict: Another person’s discomfort is often rooted in their own expectations of how a conversation “should” go. It’s information about them, not a judgment on you.
- Responsibility vs. Shame: You are responsible for managing your ADHD in healthy ways. You are not responsible for the emotional reactions of others who are unwilling to meet you halfway.
- Self-Advocacy Is the Bridge: The most effective tool for navigating this friction is clear, calm self-advocacy—briefly explaining why you do what you do (e.g., “I fidget because it helps me focus”).
“When you hand someone else the power to define you, you forfeit the pen that writes your own story. Their judgment becomes your mirror, reflecting only the flaws they choose to see, while all your light, strength, and beauty fade into forgotten corners. To live by others’ verdicts is to become a ghost of yourself—haunted by their opinions while your true worth gathers dust, unremembered and unclaimed.” -Harold Meyer, The ADD Resource Center
The Unspoken Friction: Why Your ADHD Traits Can Bother People
To be clear, these traits aren’t “bad.” They are neutral functions of a unique brain wiring. The friction arises when they collide with an environment that prioritizes stillness, linear conversation, and emotional restraint.
The “Interruption” Misconception
What they experience: You cutting them off, showing you don’t care about what they’re saying. What’s actually happening: Your brain moves fast. You see the connection, and if you don’t say it right now (due to working memory challenges), the thought will be gone forever. It’s often a sign of high engagement, not disrespect.
The “Zoning Out” Dilemma
What they experience: You’re bored, rude, or “not listening.” Your eyes glaze over while they’re talking. What’s actually happening: Your attention system is interest-based. You may be struggling with auditory processing, or your brain may have snagged on an internal thought or external distraction. It’s a battle for focus, not a lack of care.
“Their words stretch like endless corridors, each syllable a heavy door that takes forever to close behind you. Time becomes thick as honey, trapping you between sounds that refuse to end, until your mind—desperate for escape—slips quietly through the back door of consciousness. You drift away, leaving only the shell of your attention behind, nodding at shadows of sentences while your thoughts flee to anywhere but here, anywhere but this eternal prison of their droning voice.” -Harold Meyer, The ADD Resource Center
The “Too Much” Energy
What they experience: Your fidgeting, leg-bouncing, or pacing is distracting, immature, or a sign of nervousness. What’s actually happening: This is stimming or motor overflow. For you, movement isn’t a distraction; it’s a focus tool. Your body is releasing excess energy so your brain can tune in. Stillness can actually make it harder for you to listen.
The Emotional Thermostat
What they experience: You’re “overly dramatic,” “too sensitive,” or “explosive.” Your reactions seem disproportionate to the situation. What’s actually happening: This is emotional dysregulation, a core, biological part of ADHD. Your emotions are not just felt more intensely; your brain’s “braking system” for them is less effective. It’s a difference in wiring, not a flaw in character.
“They read betrayal in your enthusiasm, neglect in your excitement, and indifference in your eager rush to connect. Your interruptions—born of passion, of wanting to share in the moment—land as proof you never cared to listen. They measure love by their own wounds, not knowing that what feels like dismissal to them is actually you leaning in so hard you forget to wait. Those who don’t know this don’t know you’re trying to love them in the only clumsy, imperfect way you can.” – Harold Meyer, The ADD Resource Center
Shifting the Burden: Why Their Discomfort Isn’t Your Fault
This is the most crucial part: You must learn to separate your behavior from their reaction.
Common Expectations vs. Your Reality
Most social “rules” are built by and for brains that process information in a more linear, “one-track” way. These norms are not universal truths; they are a cultural consensus. Your brain simply operates on a different (and equally valid) set of rules. Their discomfort is the friction between these two operating systems. It’s not a moral failing on your part.
Differentiating Responsibility from Blame
Let’s draw a clear line:
- Your Responsibility: To understand your ADHD. To try to find strategies that may help you manage symptoms that cause you or others genuine harm (e.g., practicing mindfulness to interrupt less, using systems to remember important dates).
- Not Your Responsibility: To mask yourself in misery. To shrink your personality. To feel shame because someone is “annoyed” that you fidget. To endlessly educate every single person you meet.
Their discomfort is their problem to solve. It’s their opportunity to practice patience, ask a question, or simply learn that not all brains work alike.
Understanding Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)*
This is why their discomfort feels so devastating. Many people with ADHD experience RSD, an intense, painful emotional response to perceived rejection or criticism. A simple eye-roll or an impatient sigh from someone else can feel like a deep wound. Recognizing this pattern is the first step to disarming it. When you feel that sting, you can pause and ask: “Is this a real threat, or is my RSD amplifying this person’s mild (and ultimately, their) discomfort?”
How to Navigate Social Friction with Confidence
You don’t have to choose between being a social outcast and masking your true self. The middle path is one of skillful self-advocacy.
Practice “Compassionate Management”
Manage your symptoms for you first. Do you use a fidget toy so you can focus in a meeting? Great. Do you take notes so you can remember details? Excellent. This is about helping yourself thrive, not just appeasing others. When your motivation shifts from “Don’t be annoying” to “Help yourself focus,” the shame starts to fade.
The Power of a Simple Explanation
You don’t owe anyone your entire medical history, but a simple, confident “explainer” can work wonders.
- “Just so you know, I tend to interrupt when I get excited about an idea. I’m working on it, but please know it comes from a place of engagement!”
- “You might notice me fidgeting with this ring. It actually helps my brain lock in on what you’re saying.”
- “My brain is moving fast today. Could you repeat that? I want to make sure I get it.”
Set Boundaries Around Their Reactions
If someone repeatedly criticizes your traits, you are allowed to set a boundary. “I’ve explained that my fidgeting helps me focus. I understand it distracts you, but it’s not something I can easily change. I’d appreciate your understanding and patience.”
Expert Insights on Building Self-Advocacy
This journey from shame to self-advocacy is a cornerstone of effective ADHD management. Experts like Harold Meyer of the ADD Resource Center emphasize that building self-awareness is the key. In programs and coaching, the focus is often on understanding your unique neurology and then learning to communicate that to the world without shame. It’s a shift from “What’s wrong with me?” to “What do I need to succeed?” This is the foundation of living well with ADHD.
Conclusion: Own Your Space, Own Your Gifts
Your ADHD is not a personal failing. It’s a neurological difference. Yes, some of your traits may make others, who are used to different social rhythms, feel uncomfortable. That is okay. It’s not your job to make every person around you comfortable 100% of the time, especially at the cost of your own authenticity and mental health.
Your responsibility is to be the best, most effective version of yourself. Manage your symptoms, be kind, and be willing to explain. But let go of the shame. Their discomfort is their problem to navigate. Your energy, your passion, and your unique way of seeing the world are not just things to be “managed”—they are gifts. Own them.
What are your experiences with this? Visit addrc.org for more resources or to learn about coaching that can help you build these self-advocacy skills.
Resources
- ADD Resource Center (ADDRC): https://www.addrc.org – Explore coaching, support groups, and resources tailored for adults with ADHD.
- ADDitude Magazine: https://www.additudemag.com/ – A comprehensive resource for articles, webinars, and guides on living with ADHD.
- CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder): https://chadd.org/ – A leading national non-profit for ADHD information, advocacy, and support.
- ADDA (Attention Deficit Disorder Association): https://add.org/ – A non-profit organization dedicated to helping adults with ADHD thrive.
- Driven to Distraction (Revised) by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D., and John J. Ratey, M.D.: A foundational book that offers a compassionate and insightful look into the ADHD mind.
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- Harold Meyer founded The A.D.D. Resource Center in 1993 to provide ADHD education, advocacy, and support. He co-founded CHADD of New York, served as CHADD’s national treasurer, and was president of the Institute for the Advancement of ADHD Coaching. A writer and speaker on ADHD, he has also led school boards and task forces, conducted educator and HCP workshops, worked in advertising and tech consulting, and contributed to early online ADHD forums.
Disclaimer
Disclaimer: Our content is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice. While we strive for accuracy, errors or omissions may occur. Content may be generated with artificial intelligence tools, which can produce inaccuracies. Readers are encouraged to verify information independently.
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