Harold Robert Meyer The ADD Resource Center · Reviewed August 19, 2026 · Published August 22, 2026
The words aren’t really about you.
Friday, 6:15 p.m. Your teen gets in the car for your weekend and, before the seatbelt clicks, repeats something the other parent said about you. Something rotten. Something that isn’t even true, or is half true and lands uglier in a fifteen-year-old’s mouth than it ever would in an adult’s. You have about four seconds before your face gives you away.
Key Takeaway: What was said matters far less right now than what you do with the fact that they told you.
Why This Matters: Every time a child becomes the carrier of one parent’s opinion of the other, they’re pulled into what family researchers call parent-child triangulation, being drawn into the adult conflict as messenger, judge, or ally (Kerig, 2005). It doesn’t require a hostile divorce. A single offhand comment repeated at the wrong moment will do it. And it comes with a measurable cost.
Key Findings: Adolescents who feel caught between their parents show lower well-being and weaker parent-child relationships than those who don’t, regardless of whether the parents are divorced (Amato & Afifi, 2006). Disclosing negative information about the other parent directly to the child is one recognized form of triangulation (Kerig & Swanson, 2010). And in a 2023 study, the coalition-building form, where a child ends up siding with one parent against the other, statistically predicted adolescent depressive symptoms (Wang et al., 2023).
What not to do in the first sixty seconds
Don’t defend yourself point by point. Rebutting each line invites your teen to referee, which is the opposite of relief.
Don’t ask for more. “What else did they say? When? What was their tone?” turns your teen into an informant, and now there are two parents mining them for material.
Don’t return fire, loudly or quietly. The loud version is obvious: “Well, let me tell you what THEY did.” The quiet version is the one most parents miss, because it sounds like comfort rather than combat – “Consider the source.” “That’s just how he is.” “She’s never liked us.” Each answers an insult with a verdict on the other parent, which is the move you object to. And “us” does the most damage, because it is an invitation onto a team. Coalition-building is the form of triangulation the 2023 study linked to depressive symptoms.
Don’t send your teen back with comments or your version. “You should tell them that’s not fair,” or “Tell them what really happened,” hands the messenger job straight back to a kid who never applied for it – and guarantees they’re standing in the room for the next round.
What to say instead
You don’t have to confirm, deny, or explain the content. You have to acknowledge the position your teen was just put in.
“That’s an uncomfortable thing to have had said to you.”
“You don’t have to carry messages between us. Not now, not ever.”
“I’m not going to ask you who’s right. I want to know how you’re doing with it.”
Then let the subject drop if your teen wants it to. You can address the substance later, with the other parent, without your teen in the room.
The ADHD layer
Teens with ADHD often carry this kind of moment harder and longer than it warrants. Emotional responses that arrive fast and intensely, sometimes called rejection sensitive dysphoria and recognized by many providers though not a formal DSM diagnosis, can turn one bad sentence into a bad night, or a bad week.
The report may also have grown on the way to you. Under emotional load, recall compresses and sharpens: a remark loses its context, keeps its heat, and arrives as a headline. “Dad said you’re a liar who only cares about money” may have begun as a tired comment about the bills. And when a teen has learned that the dramatic version gets a reaction and the accurate one gets a shrug, the dramatic version is the one that gets told. That is rarely a decision. It is the same understimulation-seeking pattern behind fidgeting, interrupting, and chasing novelty (Zentall & Zentall, 1983): conflict at a handoff delivers a rush an understimulated brain finds rewarding, and your big reaction is the payoff that makes it worth repeating.
None of this makes your teen a liar, and you should not say or suggest that it does. It makes the relayed line their distress rather than sworn testimony, for or against either parent. Staying flat removes the payoff without putting your teen’s account on trial – which is also the only response that still holds up if the account turns out to be exactly right.
After the car door closes: checking in with the other parent
You don’t yet know what was said, if anything, or how it sounded in context, and it is possible to overcorrect on a fragment. Open the conversation as a check-in, not a verdict, ideally in writing so there’s a record and no ambush.
Opening it: “[Teen name] came to me saying some rough things had been said about me. I don’t know what was actually said, or the context, and I’m not assuming the worst. I wanted to check in rather than let it sit.”
On the excitement angle, framed as a shared question rather than an accusation: “Separate from whatever did or didn’t happen, [Teen] gets pretty worked up delivering news like this. Might be worth us both staying low-key at handoffs so it doesn’t become something worth performing.”
Most co-parents, even difficult ones, can hear a question asked in good faith more easily than a conclusion delivered as fact. If the other parent says nothing happened, or that it’s being exaggerated, that is worth taking seriously too. If a pattern emerges, raise it with a co-parenting counselor rather than litigating it through your teen.
When it’s more than a bad night
Watch for repeated badmouthing, a teen who seems visibly torn or is withholding affection from one of you, or pressure, spoken or not, to pick a side. Those are signs of the loyalty conflict the research describes, and a reasonable trigger for family therapy or a co-parenting counselor rather than something to wait out.
The next step: Pick your one sentence now, before the next handoff, and have it ready the way you’d have a seatbelt ready – “That’s an uncomfortable thing to have had said to you.” Say it, then stop talking. Your teen is deciding what kind of parent you are by watching what you do with information like this, not by picking a winner between you and your co-parent, and the most convincing answer to the other parent’s words is usually no words at all.
Bibliography
Amato, P. R., & Afifi, T. D. (2006). Feeling caught between parents: Adult children’s relations with parents and subjective well-being. Journal of Marriage and Family, 68(2), 222–235. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2006.00243.x
Kerig, P. K. (2005). Revisiting the construct of boundary dissolution: A multidimensional perspective. Journal of Emotional Abuse, 5(2–3), 5–42. https://doi.org/10.1300/J135v05n02_02
Kerig, P. K., & Swanson, J. A. (2010). Ties that bind: Triangulation, boundary dissolution, and the effects of interparental conflict on child development. In M. S. Schulz, M. K. Pruett, P. K. Kerig, & R. D. Parke (Eds.), Strengthening couple relationships for optimal child development: Lessons from research and intervention (pp. 59–76). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/12058-005
Wang, M., Sun, S., Liu, X., Yang, Y., Liu, C., Huang, A., & Liu, S. (2023). Interparental conflict and early adolescent depressive symptoms: Parent-child triangulation as the mediator and grandparent support as the moderator. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 53(1), 186–199. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10964-023-01923-2 · Free full text (PMC)
Zentall, S. S., & Zentall, T. R. (1983). Optimal stimulation: A model of disordered activity and performance in normal and deviant children. Psychological Bulletin, 94(3), 446–471. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.94.3.446
Resources
From The ADD Resource Center:
When Your Child Plays Mom Against Dad: The ADHD Brain’s Secret Weapon
How to Prevent Young Children with ADHD from Playing Parents Against Each Other
External:
How to Support Children after Their Parents Separate or Divorce (American Academy of Pediatrics / HealthyChildren.org)
Co-Parenting Mistakes to Avoid (Superior Court of California, County of Santa Barbara, PEACE program)
About the Author
Harold Robert Meyer is the founder of The ADD Resource Center, established in 1993. For over 30 years, he has been a leading advocate, coach, and educator in the ADHD space, translating the real experiences of individuals with ADHD into practical guidance for families, professionals, and institutions. He co-founded CHADD of New York and served on CHADD National’s board and executive committee, including as VP of Finance. He was elected to lead the Institute for the Advancement of ADHD Coaching. An author and international speaker, he has presented at the American Psychiatric Association and CHADD national conferences.
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Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is recognized by many providers but is not in the DSM.
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