Plus: The 4 Tactics Kids Use When They Get Caught
by James Lehman, MSW
Note from James: A lot of the things we do to protect our children might be considered â€œspyingâ€ by our kids, but they are in fact measures we take to keep them safe from others, as well as from themselves. Before we begin, I want to say that I hesitate to use the word â€œspyingâ€ because it has a negative, sneaky connotation. Itâ€™s hard to â€œspyâ€ on someone in your own home. But thatâ€™s a word parents understand and use when we talk about looking through our kidsâ€™ things, so we decided to use that characterization here.
Parents often wonder how much privacy their children need, and ask me if itâ€™s okay to violate it. So before we get to the subject of spying on your child, I want to talk a little about adolescent privacy. Personally, I believe there should be a direct link between the amount of responsibility, consistency, and honesty that kids show and the amount of privacy theyâ€™re allowed to have in their rooms.
Thatâ€™s one of a childâ€™s big thinking errors. â€œI have a right to keep secrets from you; you donâ€™t have any right to keep secrets from me.â€
Adolescents need to separate and individuate. What that means is that they want to have a life of their own, and adolescence is really about preparing them for that. You should know that part of that process includes forming boundaries. To put it simply, boundaries are where your child ends and you begin. When a child is little, there is literally no separation: the child receives milk from its mother. And then as that child develops and gets older, boundaries start to develop. The day comes when your child goes to the bathroom and closes the door because he wants privacy, and he gets embarrassed if someone walks in. This separation is a natural part of human relationships, and as teens get older, the lines become clearer and clearer.
Parents and kids often fight over where these boundaries exist, but your childâ€™s need to establish them is very important. Thatâ€™s why I think it’s important that kids have privacy. They should have a room where they can go and just close the door. Even if they share a room with siblings, I think each child should have a place where they can have â€œalone timeâ€ and itâ€™s respected by the family.
By the way, I understand that many parents go into their kidsâ€™ rooms to straighten up, pick up dirty clothes, and clean up: things we want our teens to do, even though they often donâ€™t do it as much as weâ€™d like. I donâ€™t refer to that as â€œspyingâ€â€”I call that doing what parents do. I think the term â€œspyingâ€ should be reserved for when parents start going through their kids’ closets and drawers, going onto their computer and checking emails, looking through their backpack and pockets, and other activities of that nature. In my opinion, if your child is otherwise trustworthy, honest and responsible, I donâ€™t believe thereâ€™s any reason for you to do that. In fact, I invite parents not to do that, and to start respecting that boundary. Certainly we donâ€™t want our kids going through our drawers and closets. In my opinion, we should give kids who are responsible and mature the same respect.
When You Shouldnâ€™t Spy
If you have a teenager who meets her responsibilities, comes home on curfew, is where she says sheâ€™ll be when she said sheâ€™d be there, is hanging out with the people with whom she said she would be hanging out, and you have no reason to be suspicious about anything, I suggest you stay out of her room. And I think you should tell her that, too. You can say something like, â€œIâ€™m not going to interfere with your privacy, because youâ€™re doing so well. I have no reason not to trust you.â€ That way, she knows sheâ€™s being rewarded for her behaviorâ€”your lack of interference in her personal space is a direct result of her actions.
Why do I think you shouldnâ€™t you spy on your kids without good reason? Many parents do it, and Iâ€™m not saying itâ€™s wrong. But in my opinion, it doesnâ€™t foster independence and individuation. We want to raise a young adult who can make independent decisions and who can have a life of their own. Donâ€™t forget, one of the things teens try to do during puberty is individuate. Part of having a life of their own is having a space of their own. So when you spy on your otherwise responsible child, the message youâ€™re sending is, â€œI donâ€™t trust you, even when you havenâ€™t done anything wrong.â€
Spying on Your Child: When the Game Changes
Let me be clear: I believe the whole game changes if you have discovered something incriminating or if you have a very real suspicion about your childâ€™s risky activities. When faced with this situation, many parents will ask me if they have the â€œrightâ€ to look in their childâ€™s room. To be honest, I donâ€™t like talking about rights; the word is just too overused in our culture. But hereâ€™s the deal: I believe that whoeverâ€™s name is on the mortgage has a right to look anywhere in their house. In my opinion, thatâ€™s your right because you own the house. Even more importantly, you have a responsibility to protect your kids from themselves, even if they donâ€™t want that protection.
Instead of talking about rights, I prefer talking about responsibility, accountability and obligations. I think once something triggers your suspicion and itâ€™s realâ€”if you think your teen might be using drugs, drinking or engaging in other risky behaviorâ€”you have an obligation and a responsibility to your child to look in their room. One empty beer can is sufficient. If you find alcohol or drugs or medication that heâ€™s not on, I think you have to start looking around, because your responsibility is to try to protect your child from himself. And in order to accomplish that, you need knowledge. Remember, knowledge is power. When I say power, I donâ€™t mean hitting something with a hammerâ€”I mean the power of knowledge, when you understand whatâ€™s going on, when your eyes finally open and you see something clearly.
Monitoring the Computer
I know parents who have put monitoring programs on their childrenâ€™s computers after theyâ€™ve discovered that their children have used drugs. The parents were able to read all the outgoing and incoming email on their childâ€™s computer. Now Iâ€™m not necessarily suggesting you do that, but I do see that as fair. Remember, itâ€™s not like we as parents have to respect all kinds of privacy for our kids and then they get to do whatever they want to do. You canâ€™t have two sets of values. Itâ€™s not as if, â€œI have to be good and you can do whatever you want.â€ Rather, â€œIf you donâ€™t meet your responsibilities to take care of yourself and to stay safe, then Iâ€™m going to take whatever steps necessary. If that means looking in your room, looking in your drawers and looking on your computer, thatâ€™s exactly what Iâ€™m prepared to do.â€ In my opinion, doing that kind of thing after youâ€™ve caught your child engaging in risky behavior is one of the few tools parents have.
â€œWhy Should I Tell My Child if Iâ€™m Spying?â€
Many parents will ask, â€œWhy should I tell him Iâ€™m going to do it? Heâ€™ll only hide it outside of the house.â€ But thatâ€™s not your problem as a parent. Your responsibility is to be up front and clear. If he hides it outside of the house, he hides it outside of the houseâ€”remember, after the first time you find something, heâ€™s going to hide it outside the house anyway. Thatâ€™s his choice. But youâ€™re making the rules in your house and I think you should be very clear and open about that. Make sure there are no secrets and itâ€™s all up front before you start checking your childâ€™s room, backpack, and computer. Itâ€™s important that you keep your integrity as an honest person intact. You can say something like, â€œYouâ€™ve lost my trust and Iâ€™m going to start checking on you more often. Iâ€™m doing this because I love you, want you to be safe, and Iâ€™m just not going to let you do this in our home.â€
When Youâ€™ve Found Your Child Engaging in Risky Behavior
Itâ€™s a terrible thing when youâ€™re trying to be a â€œgood enough parentâ€ and then your child goes out into the world and gets into trouble with drugs, drinking and other risky behaviors. On top of that, our kids are told a lot of things about what we parents can, should and shouldnâ€™t be able to do. In my opinion, theyâ€™re fed a lot of baloney about their rights and what they should be able to do. In reality, thatâ€™s a lot of nonsense.
The fact is that itâ€™s your home. The cell phone is probably in your name, the computer is in your name, but even if they are not, you have every right and responsibility to check them if youâ€™ve been given cause to do so. Itâ€™s completely okay for you to look into those things in order to keep your home safe, your other children safe and especially the child whom you think is messing up safe. Donâ€™t forget, when kids use drugs or do criminal behavior or engage in other risky activities, part of the power they have is to be secretive. Thatâ€™s one of their big thinking errors. â€œI have a right to keep secrets from you; you donâ€™t have any right to keep secrets from me.â€
But the idea for you as a parent is, â€œYou donâ€™t have a right to keep secrets from me if itâ€™s something that endangers you or endangers our family.â€ In my office, I trained parents to handle this situation by explaining it the following way: â€œYou donâ€™t have to search your childâ€™s room, but itâ€™s okay if you do. If your kid says, â€˜You canâ€™t do that, Iâ€™m going to call the cops,â€™ call the cops for them.â€ The police are not social workers, but if a child has been using drugs and the parent searches the room, they will support the parent. I think parents should be checking up on their child after a major infractionâ€”and giving them stern consequencesâ€”as an obligation and as a responsibility.
By the way, parents have a hard time calling the police, and I understand. But I think it gives your child the following clear message: â€œDonâ€™t try to intimidate me. Iâ€™m not going to let you destroy yourself. Iâ€™ll take any steps necessary to make sure it doesnâ€™t happen.â€ I tell parents, â€œIf he wonâ€™t listen to your authority, letâ€™s kick it up a notch. Letâ€™s go to a higher level of authority.â€ Believe me, when thereâ€™s a guy in your room in a blue uniform with a gun on and handcuffs on his belt and a big old flashlight, you know right away youâ€™re not dealing with mommy and daddy anymore. That message comes across loud and clear: Youâ€™re not dealing with someone who you can manipulate and turn things around on.
Donâ€™t Let Your Child Turn the Argument Around on You
When kids are caught with something incriminating, many of them will try to turn it around and say, â€œI canâ€™t believe you went into my room!â€ They make it seem as if the parent has done something wrong. Turning things around is a tactic kids use to put parents on the defensive. They create an argument as a diversion to avoid taking responsibility for their actions or behavior. Below are a few tactics kids use when in this situation, and ways for you as a parent to make sure the discussion stays on track.
Tactic #1: â€œI canâ€™t believe you were spying on me!â€
Hereâ€™s a common scenario: The parent says, â€œI found some rolling papers in your desk drawer.â€ And the child answers them with, â€œI canâ€™t believe you were spying on me! Iâ€™m 16 years old. Whatâ€™s wrong with you?â€ The parent should not get sucked into that argument. Instead, the parent should say, â€œI told you Iâ€™d be checking into things. The problem is not whether Iâ€™ve been spying on you, the problem is the rolling papers you have in your drawer. And thatâ€™s the only thing Iâ€™m willing to talk to you about. If you want to yell or scream, go yell or scream some place else. Because when youâ€™re done, thatâ€™s what weâ€™ll discuss. Not me violating your rights, because you are violating our home.â€
So, donâ€™t let your child turn it around. Say, â€œWeâ€™ll talk about this when youâ€™re ready to talk about it calmly.â€ And then turn around and walk away. If your child says, â€œIâ€™m ready now.â€ Tell him, â€œNo, we have to wait 15 minutes. Iâ€™m not calm enough now.â€ Go sit down, take a walk, go have a cup of tea. And then come back, talk about it, and explain the consequences for their actions.
Tactic #2: â€œIâ€™m holding it for a friend.â€
Kids will also say, â€œWell, itâ€™s not even mine. Iâ€™m holding it for a friend.â€ I think you should come back with, â€œI donâ€™t want to hear any of that. Itâ€™s your responsibility not to bring stuff like this into this house and youâ€™re going to be held accountable for it no matter what you were doing.â€ Because kids will try to tell you that theyâ€™re being nobleâ€”itâ€™s another tactic they use. Theyâ€™re doing it to â€œsave a friend.â€ Just donâ€™t buy that. Say, â€œYou brought it into the house. Itâ€™s in your possession. Itâ€™s your responsibility.â€ Look at it this way, if a cop stops you and you have an ounce of marijuana and you tell him itâ€™s your cousinâ€™s, they donâ€™t want to hear that. Youâ€™ve got it in your hand, thatâ€™s all that matters because youâ€™re in possession of it. And if youâ€™re in possession of it, youâ€™re responsible for it and youâ€™re accountable to the law. Thatâ€™s all there is to it.
Tactic #3: â€œWhy donâ€™t you trust me?â€
As Iâ€™ve said, adolescents are real pros at diverting the argument. So, if you say, â€œHow come I found an empty beer can under your bed,â€ they might come back with, â€œWhy are you spying in my roomâ€”why donâ€™t you trust me?â€ But thatâ€™s not the question or the issue. The issue is that your child had an empty beer can under his bed. Holding him accountable is not spying, and youâ€™re not violating his privacy or rights; donâ€™t get dragged into that fight. Say, â€œWeâ€™re not talking about trusting you. Weâ€™re not talking about violating your privacy. You know the rules in this house. There are no drugs and alcohol allowed, both in the house and for your own personal use. Thatâ€™s the issue, not your privacy. Weâ€™re going to talk about this in an hour, and I want you to be ready.â€ And turn around and leave the room.
Tactic #4: â€œYou broke your promise!â€
If you spy on your child without cause and find something incriminating, I think you have to sit down and say, â€œListen, I did something today that youâ€™re not going to like. I went into your room without your knowledge and I looked around. And while I know you donâ€™t like that, and I know that I told you I wouldnâ€™t, I did it today. And I accept that youâ€™re angry. If thereâ€™s some way I can make it up to you, I will. But while I was in there, I found some cough syrup bottles. And weâ€™re going to have to talk about that and deal with it. And I want an answer as to how they got there and why they are in my house.â€ And if your child gets really incriminating and tries to turn it around, if he starts escalating and yells, â€œYou promised you wouldnâ€™t go in my room,â€ you can say, â€œWeâ€™ll talk about this when you calm down. Iâ€™ll be back in half an hour.â€ And turn around and leave. In this case, I think you should admit you were wrong and say youâ€™re sorry if thatâ€™s the case. But also, the issue at hand has to be dealt with. Some things are just that important.
Is It OK to Take the Door Off My Childâ€™s Bedroom?
Iâ€™ve known families where theyâ€™ve taken the door off the bedroom of an acting-out child.
My question for them is always, â€œWell, howâ€™s he going to have any privacy?â€ If you take their door off, in my opinion, youâ€™d better have a good reason. If your child is smoking pot in his room and hanging out the window, I think thatâ€™s a good reason. But ask yourself this: once you take the door off, how are you going to let him earn it back? Itâ€™s not, â€œThe doorâ€™s gone forever.â€ And itâ€™s not even, â€œThe doorâ€™s gone for a month.â€ Itâ€™s, â€œThe doorâ€™s gone until youâ€¦â€ Just like we teach in The Complete Guide to Consequences, give him a task-oriented consequence.
By the way, weâ€™re not talking here about your child winning back your trust. If your child wants to earn back your trust and his privacy, where youâ€™re not spying on him anymore, that can be discussed at a later dateâ€”but not soon. And you can tell your child, â€œThatâ€™s not on the table right now. For now, weâ€™re dealing with the consequences of your actions.â€
Privacy is a Privilege, Not a Right
Again, giving a child privacy as to what goes on in their room or whatâ€™s in their drawers is a privilege you give them because they are trustworthy and honest. In my opinion, itâ€™s not a right. And your kids should know that if they violate the trust and honesty, one of the things thatâ€™s going to change is that you are going to be watching them more carefully. And yes, that might mean going through their drawers or closet or looking through their email. But thatâ€™s the price they pay for being dishonest and untrustworthy. We all have to learn in life that losing someoneâ€™s trust is a very powerful thing. People get fired from their jobs because theyâ€™ve done something that violates their bossâ€™s trust, like stolen something from work or used drugs or alcohol while on the job. Trust is not something that can be taken lightly, both inside your home and out. Itâ€™s not spying when you decide you have to take extra steps to keep your kids safe from whatâ€™s going on in the outside world and from their own poor decisions, especially if you have other children in the home.
Empowering Parents is a weekly newsletter, online magazine and blog published by the Legacy Publishing Company. Our goal is to empower people to empower people who parent by providing useful problem-solving techniques to parents and children. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com
James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.
Â©2009 Legacy Publishing Company. All Rights Reserved.